Weather forecasts the end of times

Oakland University is electric. Students scuttling across campus in sandals and shorts, Frisbees flying across rolling green lawns, hammock-seated scholars swaying in the breeze, unicyclists speeding over the Beer Lake bridge.

The campus is alive.

Funny thing is, it’s only March.

Normally, snow ravages the Midwest until the middle of April, keeping kids focused on their schoolwork before Spring blossoms and preoccupies the minds of many.

It has prevented me from getting any serious work into any of my classes for the past two weeks.

The trees are starting to bud again, two months early.

We haven’t even endured April’s showers and I already have dandelions coming up through the cracks in the pavement in front of my house and sending me into very public sneezing fits.

The medical community hasn’t adjusted, as Sudafed and other sinus medicines are still low in stock.

All while the climate is 85 degrees, all-smiles-and-sunshine in the mitten, it’s snowing in dry arid Arizona, a southwestern state that doesn’t even know what rain is.

The first news reported that a cargo plane dropped packing peanuts before the Arizonans figures out it was actually the weather.

Is anyone else concerned that the sun might explode this year? I truly love the warm weather and the scantily-clad clothing choices that come with it, but if I had a choice between sweaters and Birkenstocks or booty shorts and jogging bras, I choose the former. I have Internet access for the latter.

This wacky weather has to be one tell-tale sign that everything is true – 2012 is the end of the world.

I didn’t buy into the hype at first.

How could the world just suddenly cease to exist like clockwork? The idea seems ludicrous on paper, how low can people go?

Now the signs are crystal clear. There is an apocalyptic ending looming over us. Crazed hobos on street corners of populated cities screaming, “you’re all gonna die!” are still very scary, but speak the truth, and I can’t help but throw change at them.

Now that my eyes are open, I can see everything. Little things I may have shrugged off as sheer coincidence are now blatant inductors death eternal for Earth.

The iPad 3 is released as the iPad 4 was announced. Tim Tebow. There is no milk in my fridge. Far East Movement has a second LP. I found seeds in my clementines. Figurski/Reed 2012 is gaining steam in the OUSC elections. Madonna is now an “electronic artist.” Still, there’s no milk in my fridge.

There’s still time to turn things around, right?

Nope. We have crazed neighborhood watch figures shooting teenagers to death over, what? A neon colored bag of Skittles that somehow resembled a weapon? Perhaps a squirt gun from the endcaps of a supermarket aisle.

If nature doesn’t destroy the world by year’s end, civilization will do it in.

That is, as long as “Teen Mom” keeps airing, proving that stupid people produce more offspring than the rest of the population, and will probably have stupid kids.

If this isn’t foreshadowing a volatile ending for dwellers of Earth, I don’t know what is — Nicole Polizzi, or the famous Snooki monster from MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” is pregnant.

The first problem is that a cast member of the “Jersey Shore” is being allowed to repopulate the planet without an uproar.

If there were ever an unarguable debate for pro-choice supporters, something Rick Santorum can’t formulate a rebuttal about, it would be video clips of the dribble shown on MTV.

Secondly, Snooki ‘s due date is none other than Dec. 21, 2012, the Mayan calendars predicted end of days. How could the Mayans have predicted the coming of the anti-Christ all those years ago?

I am clueless as to what nonsense to expect from the remainder of the year, but intuition tells me the worst is in-store for humanity. Keep your fingers crossed for the best, Grizzlies, but if you’re in the same boat as I, we should try to have some fun.

Let’s start planning for the best funeral ever.


Contact multimedia reporter Brian Figurski via email at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter @WhatDidBeefSay