Streaming tears in the name of stress

By Brian Figurski

I find it slightly unnerving that the month of April has been tagged “Stress Awareness Month,” yet I have to hurdle over tufts of hair students have ripped out of their scalps studying tediously.

That’s walking 30 feet into the Oakland Center alone.

I dare not step foot on the third level of Kresge this time of year. If you exhale deeply up on that floor, there’s a 70 percent chance you’ll get a harpoon gun pulled on you.

April is “Stress Awareness Month,” perfectly in tune with a barrage of finals and projects, making sure the collegiate crowd is aware of how stressed they actually are.

I, too, have been adversely affected by this time of month. I had to apologize to one of my groups for being a slack-assed student and lock another group in the underground tunnels so I can blame the lack of work accomplished on their absences.

The designated months need to swap awareness dates or the collegiate system must edit the layout of their finals, because this contradictory predicament is ridiculous and it is very self-centered for people expect me to change my opinion on the matter.

I cast my vote for the former. Swap Stress Awareness Month with Black History, since they got screwed with a 28-maybe 29 day month, and they’ve been screwed enough in the past.

Surely I am not the only one who has the Hawaiian Islands breaking out on my forehead resulting from stress and mental menstruation brought on by extreme procrastination of studying. Students are stress puking from the unbearable pressures placed upon them, and then other students are puking because of those disgusting regurgitation noises of Chartwells productions. There are pools of anxiety puke all over Pawley Hall and litter the greens of campus.

I feel the instructors do not understand sometimes the multiple aspects of a student’s life. For the average student, there are roughly four classes, a work schedule and a minimal sleep schedule to juggle. I have to include rounds of excessive drinking as my own personal stress relief.

I don’t have the ample spare time to read 10 or more novels.

I think I may have just admitted to my professor I did a very underwhelming job and completely falsified the research on my last project.

Forget about your physical health, as well. It goes down the toilet with your sanity when you have textbooks strewn in front of you. It’s so much easier to buy five McDoubles for 99 cents than a salad for five bucks.

What I’m getting at here, somewhere, is that Stress Awareness Month is a redundant title for the month chock full of anxiety. Save us the sugar coating.

Everyone is well aware that this is a stressful month, especially the people who witness me punching myself in the pubic bone until I black out.

Now excuse me, I have to clean up these puddles of Chick-Fil-A and get to my assignments I’ve neglected while writing this article.