Finals Week: Don’t You Dare Procrastinate

By Brian Figurski

The end is almost here. The finish line is just in reach. All that is left are these dreaded finals.

I can taste the vodka already. I’m so glad no campus staff monitors the contents of my “water” flask.

For those of you who had the extreme luxury of having lazy instructors who avoid finals week, you can go lay down in front of a speeding Bear Bus. For the majority of students who have an endurance test of piles of final exams, I’m here to help construct a solid study plan, now that last week’s vomit sessions have been systematically purged.

This is my first serious battalion of real exams. Having been a student at a community college, I can say truthfully Oakland University isn’t as big of a joke in comparison.

Perhaps if I didn’t spend the first five years after high school getting high in the back of an Astrovan, I would have set better goals and been cramming for tests earlier in life than cramming hash pipes.

I’ve come to find it’s nearly impossible to get any studious work done on campus, although I find having ass cancer more rewarding than studying. The racket of rabblerousing kids and teen moms inane speech, encouraging pregnancy and the monetary rewards of televised humility. So many distactions prevent important information from seeping into my mind.

The closest I’ve come to a successful study session has been barricading myself into a grandiose study room of Elliot Hall. Sweating profusely with intense focus, cramming every nook and cranny with passion, I was nearly done when some diabolical bastard had to come barging into the room, breaking my concentration.

Those study rooms really need locks.

The best place to plunge into books is void of all light. Take for instance the Oakland Center basement, which will also cut off your phone signal, secluding you into insecurity and prompting work to be done.

That or questioning the loyalty of your Hanging with Friends when multitudes of games have not updated in two hours. It isn’t that difficult, just play a word, damn it! Cue the tears of loneliness.

Unless you really need to get on Moodle, it’s best to put away your laptop so you don’t surf YouTube and get sucked into the holographic Tupac videos. Then again, you’ll be forced to use GrizzNet, so a working Internet connection really isn’t a viable option.

The best way to buckle down involves crumpling up this page immediately and tossing it aside. Quit being a crybaby and go find a dark corner to hit the books hard.

Distractions are aplenty at Oakland and there are only so many shady corners to curl up in. Find one quick, since the other three people who read this article might beat you to one.

I had a great year assisting you during your scholarly quests and venting my pessimistic perspectives. Enjoy your summer break brimming with booze and sun basking.

I hope to write for you next year. That is if I don’t get kicked off staff for having sexual innuendos busting out of every article I’ve had published.