Q: I cheated on my partner a while ago, and they know about it. We are still together, but things are not going well. What do I do? – Anonymous Oakland University Student

Dear anonymous student, you’ve gotten yourself in quite a pickle.

As advice columnists, we are always taught not to judge people for their past actions. So instead of scolding you for cheating, we are going to focus on what comes next. The cheating has already happened, and in all honesty, there is nothing you can do about it. Now, the question is what you will do with the aftermath.

Relationships are a deeply personal thing. They are built on trust, shared routines, long-term commitments, petty arguments about where to eat for dinner, inside jokes and everything in between. Honestly, relationships are confusing and overwhelming enough to begin with. When something like this is thrown into the mix, it adds an entirely new dimension.

I know people who have broken up after infidelity. On the other hand, I also know people who have worked through it and stayed together. Both outcomes are something that happens in the real world. Rebuilding relationships after cheating is a slow process that requires effort from both parties – it’s not just a quick apology.

As advice columnists, we are also taught to put ourselves in the shoes of the other person in the situation. So, let us do that for a moment. How do you think your partner feels? They probably feel hurt, embarrassed and insecure. Even though they decided to stay with you, there is some underlying emotional impact that doesn’t just disappear.

My words of wisdom for you: Sit down with your partner and have a serious conversation. Do it at a time when neither of you is hungry, sleepy or overwhelmed. Put your phones away and silence all distractions. 

I think it would be a good idea to have an honest, intimate conversation about how your relationship is going and what you both should be doing to meet each other’s needs. 

Ask the hard questions. Why aren’t things going well right now? What can you do moving forward to feel secure in the relationship? 

You should probably ask the most important question of it all: Do you both genuinely and honestly want to stay in this relationship?

Sometimes the best decision is to rebuild the relationship. There might be some good stuff there to keep. Work together to see how you can improve. Rebuilding looks like patience, consistency and acts of service. 

It’s not going to be easy nor glamorous, but if you both honestly believe that the foundation of your relationship is something worth salvaging, you both have to work at it and do the uncomfortable things.

But sometimes, the healthiest choice is to let go. It’s not because either of you is a bad person or didn’t put enough effort in. It might be because you both grew out of your relationship and no longer fit together. 

Walking away from a relationship isn’t always a sign of weakness – most of the time, it’s a sign of strength and maturity. Staying together simply for comfort will not fix anything.

So, anonymous student, I wish you the best of luck.

Whatever you end up doing, I hope you find clarity, confidence in your decision and a little peace of mind along the way.