Thinking outside the bus

By Brian Figurski

I feel bad bashing the beloved Bear Bus so much, but after this latest gem, I can’t help it.

OU’s Bear Bus is desperate to give its drivers a reason to exist and has decided to dedicate Thursdays to fast food drive-thrus.

They might as well hand out joints when you board the bus.

The defenders of fast food may dispute that and say that you don’t have to be under the influence to enjoy fast food, but I’d like to think one would have some drugs in their system to choose to put that “meat” in their mouth and swallow it.

I do a pretty decent job of representing healthy eating. I swore off fast food eateries for the past three years, the only time swaying from the path being ravenously drunk.

In a recent study, Michigan again plopped in the top five fattest states in the fattest country on the fattest planet in the Milky Way Galaxy. When your galaxy is better known as a candy bar, you know you’ve got high cholesterol.

I understand the dire position of the Bear Bus. I have seen it idling in empty parking lots, searching for a sense of purpose. “What am I doing with my life? Why do I exist?” All people and inanimate forms of transportation ask these self-reflective questions.

I don’t even think I can blame the Bear Bus for this either. They need passengers and call out, “Taco Bell!” and hordes of moist-lipped students roll out of bed and stagger upon the quickest vessel to clog their arteries.

The problem truly lies with these terrible decisions and what constitutes a quality meal versus an affordable one. You’ll spend the least amount of money and die sooner munching McDonald’s for breakfast and lunch and be dead by dinner.

If one wants to pollute their body with a filthy excuse for food, there should be some kind of challenge to acquire it, not a direct golden ticket to the front gates the Bear Bus has decided to provide. Maybe bike share fast food rides would have some redeeming property to it.

Either that or mandate every fast food option has to be built atop a hill only accessible by a vigorous walk to the top.

There will be a zip-line back to ground level so you don’t toss your meal all over someone’s walking path.

I’m sick of the country being overweight. It will take excruciatingly small steps to stop the growth, but having a direct line to jiggle city isn’t going to make things better. One would think the advertising schemes of fit, sexy, scantily-clad people would prevent others from choosing the Big Mac heart attack, but I guess sizzling grease oozes sex in its own twisted way.