Sugar parents are sweet

By Brian Figurski

I have good news and bad news for you, Oakland University.

Good news: Four Michigan universities have made it within the top 30 growing campuses for www.SeekingArrangement.com, a website setting up young, money-hungry college students with older, lonesome souls with excess cash.

Bad news: You’re not on the list.

I’m terribly upset at this glitch, Grizzlies. This is your golden opportunity to get a little help with that tuition hike.

I don’t want to hear the excuse of the old ill-informed OU campaign of “You can afford this,” because Eastern Michigan University is on the list, and that school takes tuition payments in Ramen noodles.

I’ll summarize the website’s goal in a simple saying: YOLO.

I’m signing up right now. It’s been a rather dreary year and I, for one, do not want to spend another Valentine’s Day alone. On top of that, I’m falling further behind every day I push back buying my textbooks and carrying around pounds of Xeroxed pages.

Face it — we’re all as young as we’re ever going to get and the hands of time are never generous on looks. I’m willing to wear a dog collar and be walked in my underwear. YOLO.

I can’t stomach the idea of any more generic-brand cereal — they’reeeeeee just okay. A growing boy needs to eat. I need five-star steak dinners. I need caviar-sprinkled salmon and truffles sautéed in flakes of gold.

All I have to do in return is give my “companionship” to a “sugar mommy.”

How has no one else thought of this before? This is a revolutionary and legal idea — exchanging monetary values for “companionship.”

Oh, wait. This sounds strangely similar to prostitution, the oldest profession in the world — the one America has outlawed in nearly every state for a century.

Like I really care about the legal ramifications. I’ll love some saggy hags for a damn good Philly cheese steak. My moral fiber disappeared a long time ago. It’s a consensually demanding website, which is perfectly okay within the conditions of my parole.

One drawback, fellas — There’s 100 male sugar babies out there for every sugar mommy. So be ready to share, or I’d think about searching for the daddy of your dreams/nightmares.

I don’t think anyone is surprised that a site like this would be crawling with parasitic men of power. This seems right up the alley of a wealthy husband on an infidelity spree.

What does surprise me the most is that a website like this flourishes, let alone exists. Either I have underestimated the power of the Internet again, or I have overestimated my faith in humanity, again.

I understand the purpose of dating websites, but this is not one of those. It’s more along the lines of “I’ll pay you to frolic in this lederhosen,” over “let’s meet up for dinner and dancing.” Although the first scenario would include some expletive variety of “dinner and dancing.”

I guess my dreams of hooking up in a retirement home with an old lady rocking an oxygen mask are out the window. I was this close to finally axing that off my bucket list.

However, I am expecting a boom of Oakland additions to the web traffic, and hopefully a couple hits to the “Beefy Baby” profile. You’ve got work to do, OU.