‘Your Place or Mine:’ Just as awkward as those red carpet photos

The time has finally come to see if those pricelessly-awkward red carpet photos of Ashton Kutcher and Reese Witherspoon translated to the big screen!

Friday, Feb. 10 marked the official release date of Kutcher and Witherspoon’s new movie “Your Place or Mine,” where the two romantic comedy veterans are finally paired together in a predictably trope-filled romance flick.

Kutcher and Witherspoon play Debbie and Peter, two long-term, total-opposite best friends who also happen to live on opposite coasts — sweet, sweet symbolism. Debbie decides to travel to New York to complete an accounting program — I know — and when babysitting plans for her tween son fall through, Peter offers to take care of him in Los Angeles. And thus, our plot is born. 

While it seems like this movie was set up to sweep me off my feet “The Holiday” style with its traditionally excellent house-swapping plot device, my feet remained planted. I have a few bones to pick with “Your Place or Mine,” and I would like to get into them here.

First off, I don’t know who wrote the rulebook where Witherspoon has to constantly be relegated to the overprotective, post-it-noting, Southern mom type and Kutcher gets to remain the frat bro man-child from “Punk’d,” but I would like to see some variety.

If the sweater-wrapping masterpiece that is “Big Little Lies” taught me anything, it’s that Witherspoon has range — and, quite frankly, after watching that series, I don’t want to watch anything where she isn’t given an arsenal of one-liners and scathing roasts to deliver on deserving characters.

Secondly, if you were worried about the cross-country distance affecting the chemistry between our two supposed lovebirds, you would be absolutely correct. Almost the entirety of Kutcher and Witherspoon’s interactions occurred over the phone, split-screen style, which was — as you can guess — not the best. It kind of just felt like a bad iPhone commercial.

Thirdly, this film looks like it was shot on an iPhone. The cinematography was not visually thrilling at all, and while that isn’t necessarily criteria for the perfect romcom, it did remind me I was watching a Netflix movie (negative).

To get back to the actual plot, somehow Witherspoon finding an old poker chip in a manila envelope hidden under Kutcher’s bed illuminates to her that they have been experiencing a decades-long unspoken romance. But to be honest, I must not have been following that subplot very well, because I did feel out of the loop on that front.

This then leads to your stereotypical running-through-the-airport love confession scene, which was only surprising to me because it reminded me how long it had been since I had seen Kutcher and Witherspoon in the same frame.

My favorite part of the movie was Tig Notaro’s completely monotone “Hey, girl. Hey,” said to Witherspoon in the school drop-off line. I have never heard anyone use that specific deadpan inflection while delivering that phrase, so for that, I am genuinely grateful.

I hope this isn’t too slanderous!

Rating: 1/5