Mouthing Off: The great peanut butter debate

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Mouthing Off: The great peanut butter debate

By Scott Wolchek

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I arrived at my apartment after a long day of work to find my friends harassing one of my roommates, Brandon Hartley, for eating crunchy peanut butter.

They were saying that creamy was dreamy.

They acted like crunchy peanut butter was dangerous — saying the nuts inside would cut the roofs of their mouths.

My roommate and Oakland Post distributor, Parker Simmons, is a creamy peanut butter enthusiast, and he asked me which one I preferred.

I brought the crunch down on him.

An aimless debate sparked and a peanut-buttery bloodbath ensued: names were called, punches were thrown and nutritional facts were read. 

Things got nutty.

I asked how many people in the room had written reports on George Washington Carver, the creator of peanut butter.

Brandon, Parker and I all raised our hands. One of us wasn’t telling the truth.

You see, Parker spreads his lies like he spreads his creamy peanut butter on burned pieces of toast.

Some of Parker’s peanut butter propaganda included, “I like my peanut butter as smooth as my personality,” and, “That statement is as hard to swallow as your crunchy peanut butter.”

I could’ve let it go. But I, like most overweight Americans, will fight tooth, claw and nail to prove that my opinion and taste buds are superior.

I took the creamy vs. crunchy carnage to social media networks.

I went to Twitter. I kept using the hashtag #TeamCrunchy

My roommate and crunchy peanut butter connoisseur, Brandon, began to research health facts around this time.

I posted on Facebook, “Which is better? Crunchy peanut butter or creamy? Team crunchy all day baby.” It received an outstanding 11 likes and 60 comments, including notable gems such as ‘Crunch foo’ since ’92,’ OU senior, Conner Matteson wrote.

“Guess who’s having an English muffin with creamy peanut butter and Concord grape jam right now? This guy,”Goldfish swim instructor, Kristopher Schermerhorn wrote.

“Listen here you swine, I will agree that traditional Peanut Butter and Jelly calls for creamy peanut butter, but you gotta live, man,” Oakland Post copy editor, Brian Figurski wrote.

“CRUNCHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ALL DAY ERRYYYY DAY,” OU senior, Ashley Butala wrote.

Around this time, Brandon made some interesting discoveries. 

According to the National Peanut Board, women and children prefer creamy, while men prefer crunchy. He also found that creamy peanut butter has more saturated fat in it than crunchy.

Sure, the National Peanut Board might also say that 60 percent of consumers prefer creamy, but crunchy enthusiasts are fine being non-conformists. 

I know I am. I gotta have my crunch.

And just from thinking ‘bout that decadent, crunchtastic texture — I’m salivating right now.

What this battle of the nutty minds has made me realize is that this argument may never end. There are many philosophical debates to be made about what composes the perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich — what’s the correct ratio of jelly to peanuts? Is the bread supposed to be toasted? 

These are on par with pondering the meaning of life.

But the one thing we can all agree on is that pumpernickel is the superior bread and nobody likes to eat raspberry preserves.