Why are you, as Santa Claus, actually the worst?


Lauren Reid

Tori and Lauren cheers to a successful cancellation of Santa Claus.

Happy holidays blah, blah, blah — let’s get real and unpack Santa Claus. We all buy into this “jolly” being without question, but if we actually sit back and think about it — this man is weird af. Here are just a few reasons why Santa is actually long overdue for some festive canceling.

1. He unapologetically stalks us.

He sees me when I’m sleeping? That’s outrageously invasive. It seems Santa Claus is actually just Joe Goldberg with a holiday-themed outfit. He knows if I’ve been bad or good? Literally mind your business, Santa — I didn’t ask you to evaluate my decisions. And the, “so be good for goodness sake,” feels like blackmail. If I want to be bad, I’ll be bad. What criteria are we even using?

2. His laugh is misogynistic.

‘Ho ho ho?’ In the year 2021? Unforgivable — and of course this is coming from the guy who’s ensured that his longtime wife is known by no other name than Mrs. Claus. What exactly is so funny anyway, big guy? The wage gap?

3. Who exactly made him the boss of all of these reindeer and elves?

I know that sleigh could run on gas if you wanted it to, Kris. Funny how Rudolph’s special nose was seen as a hindrance until it served a purpose to you, huh? And don’t even get me started on the wrath you’ll incur from me should I ever find out those wondrous little toy-makers receive anything but the highest wages, best benefits and most complete retirement packages — Christmas spirit won’t exactly pay the bills, my guy.

4. Why the chimney? Parkour Santa activated, I guess.

This is literally the least discrete way to enter my house. POV: I’m sleeping calmly in my bed when I hear a massive rumbling, followed by an old man somersaulting out of my literal fireplace coated in ash. Like guess what Santa, I’m probably going to wake up, and I thought your whole plan was to go unnoticed?

5. He expects to be fed.

My cookies are mine for a reason. You’re literally so greedy, Santa. This is also not COVID-cautious whatsoever. The last thing I want is you pulling down your holiday mask to free breathe in my home while eating MY food. There better be some Moderna in that jolly ol’ belly of yours.

6. We actually have to circle back to the whole ~watching us while we sleep~ thing again because it’s just THAT weird.

From what I understand, the purpose of all of this watching is to judge our behavior (which is its own pile of garbage reasoning, but c’est la vie, I suppose). Tell me, Santa, what is it that you gather behavior-wise from observing us as we slumber? Am I behaving too snoring-ly? Did I roll over one too many times for the nice list this year? Unpack this, I beg you. You are not the Edward Cullen you think you are.