FDA-approved back-to-school tips for dummies

Another summer’s come and gone, and you know what that means – school is back in session. (Yes, it also means Halloween’s next month, which is way more exciting – but we’re here to talk about something else right now, okay?)

Whether you’re new to Oakland University or a returning student this fall, you can never be too prepared for everything a semester can throw your way. Thus, we’re here to offer you six solid tips to get you through these next 15 weeks in one piece.

1) Any space is a quiet study space with the right attitude.

The booths across from Pioneer Food Court? Always vacant! You could hear a pin drop. The tables in Pawley Hall right above the daycare? The little ones will surely quiet down if you just ask nicely — there’s no group more courteous than an army of toddlers. Right outside Wilson Hall? You say noisy construction, I say studying ASMR. The campus is truly your oyster.

2) Short on time? Don’t be afraid to skip that shower. Or quit ‘em altogether.

Take a page out of the current celebrity handbook and smell a little. Your classmates might not thank you, but your class grades surely will! After all, if Jake Gyllenhaal can forego showers and still inspire an entire Taylor Swift album, you can, too.

3) Go big or go home with the class icebreakers.

If your professor asks for two truths and a lie, you laugh and politely decline. That’s child’s play. Come with your own “get to know me” PowerPoint in tow, whether they ask you to or not. Be the person that brings “the wave” from the sports stadium to the classroom.

Perform the “Questions I Get Asked” TikTok dance – you know, with the fists and the claps and the pointing and the EDM – right then and there. You’ve got to establish yourself as the main character at first impression – believe me, your peers (the supporting cast) will appreciate it.

4) To save money, buy all your food at Plum Market.

Can’t afford to drop seven precious dollars on a caprese sandwich? Well, you’re in luck. Going to Plum Market everyday is the only way to alleviate all your financial burdens. This Oakland Center staple is literally so cheap — your bank account will practically worship you.

5) Wreak havoc on the Kresge Library quiet floor 24-7.

Quiet floor? Nah. If you’re here to make friends, go absolutely WILD on the quiet floor. Trust me, people will respect and admire you for it. Bring a cowbell and just obliterate that thing until your hand is numb. You’ll be the shining star of every Snapchat private story. There’s undoubtedly no better way to be liked — students will be asking for autographs within minutes.

6) Talk exclusively about high school to everyone.

Remember the student-section, guys? That was so vibey — Friday Night Lights FOREVER! Oh, and remember prom? The best night of my life, xoxo!! Can’t forget homecoming. Homecoming was always SO magical for me. When the teachers stood on bleachers shining flashlights into the crowd to monitor the choice of student dance stylings?! Love!!

Everyone wants to hear about your high school experience in immense detail, so make sure you share it with them. Not if you’re me (Lauren), though. I’m going to take a guess and say eating pretzels in the bathroom everyday isn’t particularly thrilling. Not saying I did that, but not saying I didn’t.

If there’s one surefire way to successfully attend OU, then we’ve outlined it for you here. Now, get vaccinated (!!), follow these tips and feel free to thank us later (we accept thanks in the form of one of those ultra-cheap meals from Plum Market, by the way).