‘COVID College Students’ coming to TLC next month

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Michael Pearce

TLC is coming out with another banger, “COVID College Students.”

Lauren Reid, Sports Editor

You know them, you love them and heck, you probably are one. TLC’s newest hit show, “COVID College Students,” focuses on the daily routines of college students smack dab in the middle of a global pandemic. 

“I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m. in a rare mindset of productivity the night before, wake up around 10 a.m. and have motivation for maybe five minutes tops,” said ‘COVID College Students’ star I-Wanna Vaccine. “It’s too bad I just sit in bed on TikTok for those five minutes.”

The show features four college students: Vaccine, along with Gabby Imaginary, Harvey Hypothetical and Cantstopwastingmoney Onstarbucks, who goes by the nickname Starbies.

“Recently I’ve started playing Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 instead of completing my assignments,” Starbies revealed in her exclusive interview with The Oakland Post. “It’s fun when you don’t complete the track and the ride vehicles go catapulting off the incomplete ride. I guess that’s how I feel mentally.”

Imaginary has also utilized computer games as an escape during the pandemic, but she plays the iconic life simulator game, The Sims 4, instead.

“I like to make really perfect families and live vicariously through them,” Imaginary said. “I thought I’d feel fulfilled in life once I hit my 20’s, but instead I’m just trolling the Sims franchise on Twitter asking them for new hair colors as Moodle notifications destroy my inbox.”

The show follows all four college students on a daily basis — even the moments where they break out into a stress rash, simply because they had to unmute themselves on Zoom.

“My social skills are at an all time low,” Hypothetical said. “My hand shakily hovers over the unmute button for an hour and 47 minutes everyday during class, only for me to never get the chance to click it. I just sit there in a cold sweat.”

All four college students mentioned they have seen an immense drop in social skills, but more than anything, they lack any and all motivation.

“When I see a new homework assignment, I just stare at it with no life in my eyes,” Vaccine said. “Back in the day, I’d maybe write it down in my planner and try to see how it fit into my schedule. But nowadays, I simply can’t be bothered and I don’t know how to change that.”

Starbies, a Starbucks regular, mentioned she often sits in her childhood bedroom and whips out her childhood piggy bank to spend her K-12 life savings on a $6 cup of Starbucks coffee, thinking it will provide her with the motivation she needs to finish her homework.

“I wanted to try that new brown sugar oat milk shaken espresso — it’s all over my for you page,” Starbies said. “I figured once I got home, I’d feel productive with my cute little cup of coffee. But instead, I just chugged it in my car and drove around aimlessly for two hours. So no, it didn’t work and I still have to do that same assignment.”

Hypothetical agreed, saying he used to be a star student, but now can’t even fathom a forum post.

“I was the annoying kid who always knew what he was doing and had assignments done weeks in advance,” Hypothetical said. “But just yesterday, I turned my computer off and took a nap because I didn’t want to reply in the forum — I’m fading fast.”

The show will air along with two additional new TLC installments: ‘Intimidating YouTube Vlog Couples’ and ‘19 Kids and Counting: Still Counting.’

Hang in there, COVID college students. We’re almost there.