“I know we’re all trash, but that’s why they are called garbage cans, not garbage cannots.”
“Me when I’m feeling suspiciously relaxed: what responsibility have I forgotten?”
“All of my friends get an extra hour off partying tonight but I’m getting an extra hour of sleep so who’s the real winner here.”
“Wait… I don’t remember taking my exam in red pen…?”
“Stepped on an eraser and freaked out ‘cause I thought it was my cat’s paw. I’m in the human health building.”
“I feel like Netflix should be the 8th deadly sin.”
“Applying for scholarships is like entering the lottery.”
“Well since I’m running late anyways why not grab a coffee and donuts.”
“Best part of Halloween is the day after Halloween candy sales.
“Was talking to a blind girl in the elevator, as I was leaving I accidentally said ‘I’ll see you around’ and she replied ‘I won’t.’”
Extras
“I don’t always look good, but when I do I take selfies to prove that it actually happened.”
“Police should have to wear shoes that light up red and blue for when they chase someone on foot.”
