By ALEX CHERUP

Mouthing Off Editor

America is the land of the free: free speech, free religion and free napkins.

Well, not really. In contemporary America, very little is actually free. The American freedom is an abstract one, a liberty of choice. It is, basically, a menu.

We still have to pay for what is on the menu, plus gratuity.

American patriots, please stand for this abstract freedom. And while you are standing, do a few jumping jacks. This freedom has made America one of the fattest in the nation — another international success story to brag about.

This is why I am confused as to why there has not been an outcry against the latest form of dissent against America: the increasing food prices.

How can we maintain our title as the world’s fattest nation if the food prices continue to rise?

I’m sure there are some overweight crazy patriots who are ecstatic about America’s title as one of the fattest nations. I wonder if such individuals view Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig and the South Beach Diet as traitors?

Anyway, true patriots should be upset, disgruntled — and hungry.

The image of America as a hamburger stuffing glutton playground is in danger from the upcoming change.

Especially when the hamburger is priced at $175, that is.

For those unaware, the Wall Street Burger Shoppe, a restaurant in New York, offers a hamburger that is the equivalent of around 43 gallons of the currently overpriced gasoline.

Is this the Oprah meat of the bovine community? Whoever actually orders this dish must really hate rich cows.

The burger, created by chef Kevin O’Connell, is made of “a Kobe beef patty, lots of black truffles, seared foie gras, aged Gruyere cheese, wild mushrooms, and flecks of gold leaf on brioche bun.”

Ironically enough, one of the main reasons the burger is so expensive is because it’s made with Kobe beef. If it had been Pau Gasol beef, I’m sure it’d only be about $75, at the most. No one would pay that much for such dirty, Lakers’ meat.

In fact, Kobe beef comes from cattle raised in Kobe, Japan, where the animals are, no joke, massaged and given beer. Supposedly, it relaxes them.

I also have made plans to move to Kobe, Japan. If the cattle in Kobe have it that good, imagine how they treat the humans. Although, I think it may be moderately dangerous — a large population of inebriated cows is sure to wreck havoc on any community. Have you seen a bachelorette party before?

The burgers are intended for successful days on Wall Street. Supposedly 20 to 25 are sold each month, while substantially cheaper burgers are more popular.

I roughly eat a hamburger in 10 bites, which makes each chomp a little over $15, and that’s before the tip.

I could’ve consumed 58 Big Macs, or 58 Whoppers or roughly 175 White Castle irritants.

With the massive hunger problems around the world, it is difficult to stomach that there is a stomach right now digesting a burger with this price tag.

If I were to order this piece of meat, I would be sure to demand “very, very, very well.” For that price, I want to take up as much of their time as possible.

The burger is symbolic of the idea that in America, if one is successful enough, they can have whatever they want. Essentially, we have the freedom to choose such high prices.

What is next: A $150 Filet O’ Fish made with upper class cod raised on champagne, Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos and weekly classes of Tai Chi?

Chicken nuggets priced at five easy payments of $60, served wine coolers, taught ballet, read Shakespeare and had their feathers washed in Herbal Essence?

It is rather unfortunate that we live in a society where a fast-food style meal is offered for such a disgusting price, as a person starves in the world every three seconds.

So, patriots and critics of America alike should be just as upset about such a menu item. The Wall Street Burger Shoppe not only exemplifies the gluttony of America but damages one thing America has been succeeding at lately — poor diet and obesity.  

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish my White Castle.