By PAUL GULLY

Special Projects Editor

It’s no secret that Metro Detroit has fallen on hard times the past few years.

Detroit’s hip-hop mayor has been busy allegedly wasting millions of the city’s money and trading sexual text messages with a female Scottie Pippen look-alike.

The economy has gone down more than Paris Hilton in an elevator. “Going down, that’s so hot!”

And the Big Three are not so big anymore. I hear they’re looking into Enzyte as a possible solution.

While the D has long been fodder for many social critics, Detroiters have had little to laugh about, themselves.

That all changed, June 6, when an estimated 1.4 million people turned out for the Detroit Red Wings  Parade, celebrating their eleventh Stanley Cup.

The parade transformed into a makeshift comedy show, providing material for all to enjoy.

I hadn’t laughed as hard as I did, watching the parade, since I first heard Mike Tyson’s I-want-to-eat-his-children tirade targeted at Lennox Lewis.

In true sports reporting fashion, here is a brief recap of the parade’s top comedic performances:

While nothing notable happened during the parade procession, other than the trite, repetitive questions asked by local news reporters, the real fun started at Hart Plaza, where players and dignitaries spoke.

We begin at the top — the top of Mickey Redmond’s head, that is. The hat that the Wings’ color commentator, who was acting as an emcee for the event, was sporting the oldest piece of headwear I’ve ever seen. We’re talking Chris Chelios-era old, here.

And I can’t really call what Redmond was wearing a hat. It was more of a cross between a diaper and a bike helmet.

And speaking of Chelios, the AARP representation on the team, he was the last one to arrive to the parade. Apparently driving 15 mph with your right blinker on for ten miles doesn’t allow for ample time to make it downtown.

The veteran and senior defenseman missed a portion of the playoffs due to a leg injury. He’ll be seeing a paleontologist later this week.

U.S. Congresswoman Candace Miller, dressed in a Wings jersey, tried to act as hip and cool as possible. Yet, Miller only succeeded in being a laughable waste of time. I’m sure the 1.4 million in attendance who came to celebrate a hockey team were thrilled to see a congresswoman give a speech.

A chorus of boos greeted Kwame as he was introduced.  

The mayor threw up a few peace signs and said that “because we’re all here together and having a good time, the beer’s on me.”

That’s just great. Kwame’s already wasted $9 million of the city’s cash in a settlement after sticking it to some of Detroit’s finest; I’m glad he’s now willing to pick up the tab for over a million people.

And if that wasn’t enough, Kwame concluded with an  enthusiastic “Let’s go, Wed Wings!” He sounded like Elmer Fudd. It was weally, weally weird.

Kwame was followed by Wings owner Mike Ilitch. Ilitch played the part of the millionaire town drunk, as he fumbled over words and seemingly struggled to construct sentences.

It was great.

Here is an excerpt, taken word-for-word, of Mikey’s speech.

“And I don’t want somebody to forget: I don’t want North America, I don’t want Canada, America, South America, Europe, the whole world to recognize — ‘cuz there was a little bit of this and that going on — we are the Hockeytown.”

Ilitch promptly followed the sentence with what can only be described as a Howard Dean-esque growl, and an enthusiastic thumbs up.        

Hilarious.

And finally, Jiri Hudler did his best Dracula impression during his time at the podium. The Wings’ left winger tried to fire up the crowd, leading a chant of “Let’s go Red Vings,” which he repeated numerous times.

Bela Lugosi would have been proud. Shortly following the parade, Count Hudler was spotted at a blood drive.

As a side note, much was made at the parade of Nicklas Lidstrom being the first European player to captain a Stanley Cup winning team.

But, much more impressive was the fact that Dan Cleary was the first Newfoundlander to win the Cup. Incidentally, he’s the first person from Newfoundland to do anything.

If you need proof, check the Wikipedia entry: Notable Newfoundlers. You’ll see his fellow

Newfie’s aren’t as successful.

So while the city remains in a state of depression, we can always go back to that sweltering summer day, when a hockey parade provided momentary comic relief.

Here’s to you, Wed Vings.