Dear People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,

You’re doing it wrong. Your “Cash for Cluckers” program is a clucking disaster.

Emulating a car company’s last-ditch-effort to get people to buy new cars is probably not the smartest way to get people to stop eating chicken. This, along with most of your tactics, have been finger-lickin’ bad.

Sure, you get a lot of press, but as someone who works in the media I can tell you it’s the same kind of press we give the crazy guy caught running naked across the freeway in the middle of the night. You just give out press packets.

The Cluckers program goes as follows: Purchase some vegan-friendly faux chicken, send in the receipt to PETA, and in the mail you will get a $1 rebate and a vegetarian starter kit.

You’re telling us that if non-vegetarians buy a pack of fake-chicken and prove to PETA they bought it, all they will get is a $1 coupon and some vegan recipes?

Seriously? $1 and a copy of “How to make broccoli not suck?”

This is how you’re going to lure in current meat-eaters? You know what else you can get with a dollar: a Slim Jim.

That doesn’t appeal to me, and I’m a vegan for crying out loud. I’m that guy who asks for Boca burgers at the company picnic and eats only deep-fried cauliflower while everyone else enjoys pizza from Buddy’s.

Nonvegetarians that I know are more apt to use that faux chicken to bait animals for hunting, rather than get $1 and literature full of guilt trips and vegan recipes, which they might use as toilet paper on that same hunting trip.

And this stupid program is only for the first 5,000 people who enter?

Another “Cash for” incentive program you have is Cash for Cows, where you want people to turn in their shoes made from “the skins of dead, abused animals” for a $10 coupon to buy vegan friendly sneakers made by MooShoes. Never mind the child laborer killing themselves for pennies a day to make shoes, it’s the dead skin that we should worry about. Good luck getting my editor Dan Simons’ leather work boots away from him. They’re steel-toed, so watch out when he tries to “kick their hippie asses.”

What you need to do immediately is fire your marketing department, and hire me as a consultant.

As a sampler, here are some of the ideas I’d give you that would help your cause to turn more omnivores into herbivores so that less animals are killed or treated cruelly.

First of all, get rid of the feather-brained “Cash for Cluckers” program. It won’t work, and even if you were to offer more cash rewards to give people more of an incentive, you would run out of money quicker than the government did.

Secondly, while the “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” campaign was an interesting idea, it was a TERRIBLE idea! You went about it completely wrong.

When you show those commercials or posters of naked women with meat-free diets, here is what people think: “Hmm, because I am eating so much meat, these lovely ladies are posing nude?” And why will this make me want to stop eating meat? So they’ll put their clothes back on? I don’t think so.

Hello, have any of you taken Psychology 101? You don’t reward people for their bad behavior! You punish them for bad actions, and reward them for good ones.

What you should do is start a campaign called “We’re keeping our clothes on until animals are treated better,” where attractive male and female celebrities will show minimum skin until a goal is reached.

For a set goal, use a ratio of numbers like animal products bought, animals used in entertainment, leather or fur clothing items bought and animals used in scientific experiments.

Say that unless this ratio drops by maybe 10 or 25 percent, you won’t get to see any of these celebrities’ naughty parts. Trust me, you will see animal products unsold and piling up on the shelf. Sure, it’s basically pornography, but if anyone is willing to do something like this, it’s you, PETA.

But some people don’t work well with positive incentives; for them, negative incentives are more effective.

So for them, you need to start a supplementary campaign called “We’re staying nude until animals are treated better,” where the world’s most unattractive people, like those pictured above, pose nude, until the animal cruelty ratio drops.

If the sight of the naked bodies of repulsive men and women don’t deter people from eating meat and treating animals cruelly, I don’t know what will.

Get Rush Limbaugh and Oprah Winfrey to pose naked and people will eat soy to put clothes back on them.

And if you must have some sort of subsidization program, I suppose you could give money back to people who buy pleather shoes and belts. Those things are expensive, and the professional workers are expected to wear something that looks like leather. Why, I don’t know. Because cruelty is in fashion, I suppose.

By the way, this sampler marketing consulting wasn’t free. I’ll expect a check in the mail. And none of this rebate crap.

Signed,

Masudur Rahman

Senior Reporter snd dirty vegan hippie

with help from Dan Simons

Mouthing Off Editor and bloodthirsty carnivore