Michigan’s primary election is in full swing, and you know what that means: Attack ads! While each candidate struggles to say anything meaningful about their own plans for Michigan, it’s easy to find mean things to say about the other guys, and somehow that’s also way more entertaining. The way the candidates fight within their own parties for a few months and then spend the next few months trying to undo the damage they did is easily the best part about the election. It’s enough to compel me to run for the position myself.

Then I found out they stopped taking new entries a couple months back. But. I’m not one to give up on a bad idea just because it became unfeasible. Here are a few of the campaign slogans we came up with:

“As a senator, Pete Hoekstra tweeted his position in Iraq on the Internet for every terrorist in the world to see. Rory McCarty got a Twitter and then quickly forgot about it. Vote for Rory: he’s too forgetful to leak government information.”

“Darren McCarty used to be on the Red Wings. Rory McCarty is running for governor. … You like the Red Wings, right? Vote for Rory.”

“Do you remember that one thing Granholm did that one time that was so bad? I do. I’ll do the opposite of that! Vote Rory McCarty.”

“Rory McCarty has gone on record saying that kittens are cute. Andy Dillon has never even mentioned kittens in his campaigns. Vote Rory McCarty: At least we know where he stands on kittens.”

Former Mouthing Off editor Dan Simons once stabbed a unicorn. Vote for the only Mouthing Off editor who hasn’t stabbed a unicorn. Vote Rory McCarty in 2010.

“Mike Bouchard has been endorsed by Ted Nugent in his campaign. Ted Nugent has been well documented as having “cat scratch fever,” and by his own admission the sickness is contagious and incurable. Do we want a potentially diseased man for governor? Vote Rory McCarty.”

“Rick Snyder says he’s ‘one tough nerd.’  But Rory McCarty was watching the “Blade Runner” director’s cut while Snyder was out ‘campaigning.’  Vote for , Michigan, and together we will dump Rick Snyder’s books.”

“Rory McCarty watched the entire State of the State address without making a fart noise. Vote for integrity. Vote for Rory McCarty.”

“The public feels threatened by Mike Cox. They are even ashamed of Mike Cox.  Mike Cox has yet to stand up and take charge. Vote for Rory McCarty. He has a name your ten-year old nephew can’t make fun of.”

“We may have the worst economy in the country. So I propose we annex Minnesota. They’ll never see it coming. Vote Rory in 2010. We could have West Michigan.”