Here at The Post, we spent the summer trying to decipher cryptic construction update e-mails from the administration and do a little investigative digging of our own. We did our best to report our findings, but the answers we received left reasonable room for doubt, at least in the eyes of yours truly.

For instance, the ten feet tall barricade surrounding Wilson Blvd. and Parking Lot 2 — what secrets are hidden from view?

If you’ll allow me to speculate, then I will share my wildest theories on the matter — Secret tunnels and exploratory excavation projects.

Being the sleuth that I am, I was smart enough to figure that if you go up to the top floor of O’Dowd Hall you can see over the wall. There are trenches being dug and enough heavy machinery to mine all of the precious “unobtanium” this campus has to offer. Oh come on, don’t tell me you’re one of the eleven people in the world that still hasn’t seen “Avatar.”

I’ve seen enough History Channel specials to know that all of the best cities in the world have underground passageways. Why should OU be any different?

After all, we already established that we have a Dante’s Peak situation going on.

Another striking difference to the landscape of campus is the mysterious disappearance of the large oak trees that used to stand tall in the center of the roundabout.

Where did the trees go? An unnamed source within the university informed me that the trees suffered from various diseases and their close proximity to the road caused them damage from excess road salt in the winter.

But I find that explanation to be suspiciously rational. Many theories have been floated about: spontaneous mini-wildfires, a diabolical union of beavers and lumberjacks, or perhaps alien UFO forestry abductions under the cover of darkness. There are just so many possible explanations, admittedly some less likely than others.

Left in the trees’ stead is a curious patch of wide open nothingness, unobscured by the existence of any pesky plant life.

I’d like to take this opportunity to suggest some possible monuments to be constructed in the void. After all, we circle this sacred ground in our cars daily, never setting foot within the bounds of its mythical circumference.

Consider this article an edict exclaiming the need for the erection of an extravagant edifice of epic proportions to entice all enterers of Oakland University for eons to come.

In other words, build a big-ass statue.

Specifically, I propose a ten-story statue of head basketball coach Greg Kampe riding a Grizzly Bear. Or perhaps a giant two-faced sculpture of Dr. Russi on one side and the much ballyhooed Clawzz mascot on the other.

I guess the point I am trying to make here, folks, is that times are a’changin’ and you best be keeping up.

Heraclitus famously said that “no man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” Take that to heart, Grizzlies, because one day you’ll wake up and tomorrow will be yesterday and the future will be history.

*****

Part one of this dual-mouthing off can be read here: https://oaklandpostonline.com/2010/08/31/mouthing-off/helping-freshmen-navigate-ous-new-labyrinthine-campus/