A few months ago I wrote an article about “suicide sandwiches,” a new form of food technology that would allow Americans to kill themselves in the most delicious way possible.

It became clear to me in the months that followed that this was far too broad a topic to be dissected in a single page article.

Reports of new killer sandwiches came in, sandwiches that dwarfed the Double Down in their vision and grandeur. I realized my integrity as a journalist and an eater of sandwiches compelled me to give these artery-stoppers the print they deserved.

So I created the first in what I hope to be a long series for the Oakland Post: “The Sandwatch.” This month we’ll take a look at grilled cheese.

Let’s enjoy.

DENNY’S FRIED CHEESE SANDWICH

Denny’s has entered into the fray with a culinary construct that is to the sandwich world what Christopher Nolan’s Inception is to movies.

Imagine if you will, an order of mozzarella sticks — essentially cheese breaded and fried. Now, shroud them in more cheese. Then, put that combination between two pieces of bread, and fry the result. But wait! The fried sandwich is itself surrounded by a side of French fries.

The longer you contemplate the Fried Cheese Sandwich, the longer you stare into the face of madness. Where does the fried cheese recursion end?

I would not be surprised if within those mozzarella sticks, there turned out to be tiny cheese sandwiches. And then within each of those, there may be a set of nanomachines that produce microscopic orders of poutine.

As far as I can guess, the Fried Cheese Sandwich was created by a Denny’s manager who, while looking at an M.C. Escher drawing, said, “It’s neat, but it needs more cheese.”

FRIENDLY’S GRILLED CHEESEBURGER MELT

Have you ever eaten a sandwich and thought, “Instead of bread, this sandwich could use more sandwiches.” Well one of the gourmet chefs at Friendly’s apparently did. The Grilled Cheese Burger Melt is essentially a cheeseburger with grilled cheese sandwiches substituted for buns. In a sense, it’s a fast food ménage à trois.

At first I thought, “Finally! An efficient way to eat three sandwiches at once.” However, this meal is problematic for two reasons.

1. In order to fit the Grilled Cheese Burger Melt in your mouth, you have to unhinge your jaw like a snake.

2. Including a drink, the Burger Melt has enough calories to exceed your 2,000 calorie allowance as recommended by the FDA. After eating one, we recommend you go to sleep. Just call it a day. You’re not going to be sprinting anywhere in a hurry, anyway.