Why have a bowl of Chile, when you can have an entire MINE full?

Okay, that was really stupid. Let me start over. If the story about the 33 trapped miners in Chile didn’t tug on your heart strings, then you, most likely, do not have a soul.

The miners were trapped underground for 69 days, which is both a long and hilarious length of time.

So long, in fact, that it got me thinking: Exactly what the HELL were they doing down there that whole time? They couldn’t even check Facebook! How did they survive?

But, while I can do nothing more than speculate, I have some interesting theories.

Day 2

Miner 1: Oh my god, you guys, last night I had the WORST dream. We wer-

Miner 2: Wasn’t a dream, man.

Miner 1: Aw, come on!

Day 10

Miner 1: Hey, anybody wanna act out that episode of “Fresh Prince” where Will plays on the basketball team, and he’s just a ball hog the whole time, and he learns a valuable lesson about sportsmanship?

Miner 2: Shotgun Carlton!

Miner 1: No way, man! It was my idea. I get to be Carlton!

Miner 3: Guys, we can’t all be Carlton.

Miner 2: Whatever. I’ll just go act out “Everybody Loves Raymond” with the other guys…

Day 21

Miner 1: Truth or dare?

Miner 2: Dare.

Miner 1: I dare you to kiss Carlos on the cheek!

Miner 2: I meant truth!

Miner 1: Fine, do you like me? I mean, like, MORE than a friend?

Miner 3: This is the biggest sausage fest ever…

Day 30

Miner 1: I spy with my little eye, something black.

Miner 2: Nothing.

Miner 1: You always know! Alright, your turn.

Day 42

Miner 1: Dish the rock!

Miner 2: Seriously, man? That joke is getting REALLY old. We’ve been playing basketball down here for 38 days.

Miner 1: Fine. Pass it.

Miner 2: Okay! Here.

Miner 1: Ah! F#@& man!

Miner 3: He’s bleeding.

Miner 1: Sooooooo. Same time tomorrow?

Day 49

Miner 1: Happy birthday, Mario!

Mario: Oh, you shouldn’t have, what is it?

Miner 1: It’s a rock! Your favorite!

Mario: Oh… Great. Just put it in the pile, I guess.

Day 65

Carlos: I, Carlos, leave all of my belongings to Juan.

Juan: Aww, Carlos, that is so nice you you!

Carlos: Oh, no man… Wow, this is really awkward. Umm, yeah, my dad’s name is also Juan…

Miner 3: SCANDAL!!!

Day 68

Miner 1: I just can’t wait to get out of here and go back to my wife.

Miner 2: Didn’t you cheat on her with a mistress?

Miner 1: Yeah man, but there is absolutely NO way that she will ever find out. I’m totally in the clear.

After these and countless other ludicrous ideas swirled about in the toilet that is my mind, I had, what some would consider, an epiphany.

Why do we still have miners!? You’re telling me that I can use my phone to find the nearest Denny’s, but people still have to tunnel under the Earth and risk their lives in order to find stuff that robots should be looking for?

Normally, I don’t advocate technology’s thievery of human jobs (I’m talking to you grocery self-checkout machine), but this is where I draw the line. I can safely say that NO ONE should have to do that job.

But even if you DO go into a mine, you absolutely NEED to have the game “Catch-phrase” on you at all times. Seriously, that game never gets old.

In closing, I guess what I am really trying to say is that, no matter how horrifying a story may be, the number 69 will ALWAYS be hilarious.