The year 2011 is officially settled in. By now, you’ve probably disregarded all of your New Year’s resolutions for the year and realized your life is composed of the same monotonous crap and you’ve made no real advances in life. Sucks to be you.

With that in mind, I implore you to trash the old-school ways of the Gregorian adherents and follow your lunar tides; embrace your inner Chinese place setting.

The Chinese calendar kicked off another year on Feb. 3, so it’s not too late to make more meaningless resolutions if you so choose. However, there are many outstanding reasons why the Chinese calendar trumps the traditional calendar in every way.

First and foremost, each year of the Chinese calendar has a mascot. We’ve just entered the year of the rabbit, which is followed by awesome beasts capable of tearing your flesh, like dragons and tigers. If you’re keeping score, that’s China 1, Pope Gregory XIII 0. Obviously, mascots make everything better. That’s just common knowledge.

In addition, a Chinese New Year celebration lasts for 15 days. That’s longer than Kwanzaa, Hanukkah or an average Diddy/Daddy/Puffy party. Fifteen New Year’s celebrations are better than one — simple math, folks. P. Gregory XIII evidently didn’t party much.

To celebrate, I plan to brush up on my Asian history and re-enact some of my favorite moments from the timeline.

And why not? I have 15 days to fill with personal reflection on the year behind me. But introspection sucks, so maybe I’ll stick with the original plan to recreate the Mongol conquest through Asia instead.

I will assume the role of Genghis “Mack Daddy” Khan and begin my journey. Since the nomadic tribes in the area haven’t responded to my texts or e-mails, I’m going ahead without them. Across from school awaits BD’s Mongolian Barbecue, and that will suffice as a substitute.

Adorned from head to toe in my authentic Mongolian garb, I will enlist the assistance of my Mongol brethren, eradicating insolent members of the local BD’s tribe if necessary. However, I don’t expect much resistance.

Upon arrival, a feast of epic proportions will be held in my honor. Bloodshed and barbecue, my friends. After a Big Brownie for dessert, my savagery must continue.

My huge boots, sheepskin hat and angry Mongol company will then travel by foot, oxen and Bear Bus to the nearby Pei Wei, leaving utter devastation along the way.

Since Pei Wei offers five cultures of dining experience, my clan can eliminate Korea, China, Thailand, Japan and Vietnam in a single visit.

The real Genghis Khan would undoubtedly cower before me. I just summoned the Mongols and conquered five neighboring countries in a mere hour. Psh.

After pillaging five nations, capturing women and children, and stealing precious metals and fortune cookies when the employees aren’t looking, I’ve become the most feared pseudo-Mongol warlord in the history of the Auburn Hills area.

With the size of my terrifying army now exceeding 12 people, India will be child’s play.

Rangoli Indian Cuisine on Walton Boulevard is overpowered within minutes. Six nations and three meals are enough for one day, though. Mobility is starting to become an issue, and I’m rather sleepy.

Besides, I have another week left of celebration to resume my healthy infatuation with ancient Chinese history. They invented fireworks, you know.

So with these very practical, intelligent arguments in mind, I trust you to make the right decision and switch to the Chinese calendar. And besides, you weren’t really going to quit smoking, hit the gym or start buying American-made products only. Let’s face it, everything is made in China.