Dear Facebook user,

Facebook is a lot of things. Facebook is a virtual meeting place. Facebook is something to do during a quick study break. Facebook is, depressingly enough, a way for people to hear major news. But, Facebook is not Twitter. Facebook is not Flickr. Facebook is not an e-vite. And Facebook is not a blog.

You know how when you update a status, the original prompt says “What’s on your mind?”? Well, that’s not a literal question. Facebook, and your friends on Facebook, don’t care what you are currently thinking about. The only exceptions to that is if you are genuinely funny, or if you are thinking about the cure to every major disease ever. Unless that is the case, here are some of the statuses you should avoid posting:

“Dylan Dulberg – wishes it was Friday already 🙁 “

“Dylan Dulberg – is sooooooooooo tired “

“Dylan Dulberg – is hungry”

There is a reason that Facebook status updates have no character limit, yet tweets on Twitter have a limit of 140 characters. Short, meaningless messages like those above are meant for Twitter. Another thing that isn’t meant for Facebook? Your ‘artsy’ photo albums.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a photographer, I consider myself somewhat artsy, and as a photographer I like when people see my work. But, think about it from the outside perspective. Imagine you are on Facebook, looking through someone’s profile. Which of the following would tell you about the person best? His or her favorite movies? His or her employment history? Or his or her photo album titled, “Somewhere in between light & shadow

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Sometimes you can have too much of something?” And have you ever thought about that phrase when you post a public event of your birthday party or graduation party or house warming party or some other event to the hundreds of friends on your Facebook, knowing that anybody and their dog *can see it?

It’s called thinking ahead, and it would probably be the first thing captain hindsight would tell you to do next time after he visits your party that ran out of food in 12 and a half minutes because 400 people came when you planned for around 20.

And lastly, Facebloggers. These are the worst offenders. These are the people who post things that wouldn’t even make the cut to become worthwhile-to-read tweets. I don’t even know how to explain it without introducing vulgarity into the text, which my editor has informed me I cannot do. So, I will illustrate my point through actual status updates I read just while writing this article:

“Mary ******** – on the bus!”

“Jackson ********* – is bored”

“Mickey ******** – I WANT A SANDWICH”

“Julie ********* – Just had a relaxing dinner with my **** ****** and now I’m watching tv”

“Julie ********* [same Julie as above, a few minutes later] – making popcorn! Yummy!”

“Julie ********* [same Julie as above again, about 15 minutes later] – I made too much popcorn…..”

“Patrick ******* – school sucks”

“Julie ********* [same Julie. Again] – I’m tired. Bed time. Night facebook! <3”

“Katherine ******* – if everyone cared, and nobody cried. If everyone loved, and nobody lied. If everyone shared and swallowed their pride, then we’d see the day when nobody died <3”

Ok, so that last one wasn’t a Faceblogger, but she was quoting Nickelback, which is like 500 times worse.

In summary; Facebook is not Flickr, Twitter, an e-vite, or a blog, and Nickelback sucks.

And stop with the bathroom selfies. It’s enough, and it makes you look like you spend your life within kicking range of a toilet.

*Oh yeah, dogs have Facebooks now. I don’t even have a joke for that, that’s how weird and messed up that is.