Oakland University’s Bike Share Bikes have seen a 60 percent loss rate. They say don’t criticize unless you can offer a solution, so I was hoping to use this week’s Mouthing Off column to suggest some transportation alternatives that are harder to steal. OUSC, take note.

Ferries.

No, not the pixies with wings (even a satire can only stretch the bounds of reality so far). I mean boats.

With the upcoming edition of the moat around the Human Health Building, we should totally take advantage of the opportunity to take a leisurely cruise to class. Just make sure there’s none of that band cruise cabaret.

Why stop there? You could build a system of canals creating OU’s version of Venice.

In addition, if the foretold 2012 Armageddon is a flood of biblical proportions, we can all head for our very own ark.

Captains would even have terrifying sea stories to tell, opining about the sunken Big Boy statue in Beer Lake. On second thought, maybe this isn’t such a good idea, seeing those big blue eyes under water would haunt me. Those new cars that drive themselves

Google has brought us one step closer to the Jetsons with those autonomous cars that can drive themselves.

Think about it: The cars could drive along a preprogrammed route or you could tell where on campus you needed to go. You would never have to worry about getting lost again.

Of course, it would only be a matter of time before the car took over. “I’m sorry, Kevin. I can’t take you to the Post.” Sound far-fetched? All computerized navigation devices want to take men to Jared. Balloon travel

I know you probably think this is the kind of thing reserved for wedding proposals and cheesy Jackie Chan movies, but hear me out.

It would constantly replenish its own fuel, powered by the hot air spewed by university administrators who continue to insist there is no parking problem.

Of course, I don’t know that I would want to go up in anything that could probably be taken down by a high-powered BB gun, so that’s out. Moving right along… Subway system

All you would have to do is continue building upon the tunnel underneath Wilson Hall. Yeah, there’s a tunnel.

People may soon leave behind their cars in favor of a high-speed rail that’s easier on the pocketbook, especially when world record speed for these trains is 381 mph. Then again, I got scared on Millennium Force at Cedar Point.

Going that fast from The Oakland Center to Vandenberg is suddenly not as appealing. Add to that the fact that within 15 years we would discover a secret race of people hiding out in the subway tunnels and this turns into a horror flick. Suddenly, a few lost bicycles doesn’t seem like the worst thing. It’s certainly not any worse than this column.

Don’t worry, I’m sure Brian the fig-eating skier will be back next week when this goes up in smoke.