Dear ABC, NBC, FOX, CNN, USA, MTV/VH1 (which are really the same thing), TBS, TNT and whatever channel Tyler Perry is on nowadays,

There have only been a handful of commercials in the last few years that successfully told us, the consumer, what the product was about memorably and that didn’t bother/annoy/lie to us. Like Hanson’s or the Sam Bernstein Law Firm. Insert joke here.

There are three reasons. First, they had a catchy jingle that eerily seeped into your subconscious and stayed there like that one friend that invites himself over and crashes on your couch for “just a day or two, man,” (or a week). Secondly, they provided you with easy-to-remember contact information. And finally, they weren’t lying or presenting ridiculous situations that even M. Night Shaymalan or Quentin Tarantino look at and say, “Dang, I wish I was creative enough to come up with a crazy plot like this.”

But it seems that commercials lately haven’t caught on to that winning combination. The Blue Tax commercials, for example — I have never seen a mascot as terrifying as Max, the Blue Tax bug-eyed crack addict. There is nothing like a big-eyed, fast moving crazy person to portray the levity of federal tax.

And the newest Taco Bell commercial is a complete disaster. The people at Taco Bell try to convince you that the appropriate party contribution is a 12-pack of tacos. And they go even further, painting the other people as lazy or stupid for bringing things like ice or chips. Because only idiots would even think to bring ice or chips to a party, right? They don’t stop there. They show a pretty girl giving a coy look to the jackass who brought a toilet-destroying quantity of fast food to a party. You know what all the pretty girls like? Fast food tacos, apparently! Also, you can’t help but notice that there are around 25 people at the party. The genius brought 12 tacos. Yeah, the guy who brought ice is stupid.

Speaking of disturbing commercials, hats off to Activia yogurt. I don’t know what their actual motto is, but it should be something like, “It makes you poo!” The commercial features Jamie Lee Curtis sitting with an odd assortment of other women, eating yogurt. (Party!) Their conversation is essentially as realistic as the ‘not feeling so fresh’ conversation. They are talking about how Activia yogurt is a tasty alternative to Senna Laxatives. This is not a conversation anyone has. It’s weird, uncomfortable and upon further examination… yep.

It’s a Christmas party.

There are wreaths in the background. I wish Santa came in and said, “You have all been good girls this year! Painless pooping for everyone!”

Almost as awful are the H&R Block commercials. You know what a prank is? A prank is a practical joke that ends with laughter. The H&R Block commercials just exhibit douchebaggery. They built a whole ad campaign around the idea that a camera salesman somewhere in the seventh circle of Hell tells people they can have a camera for free, just to snatch it away from them at the last second, commenting “You didn’t really think we’d give our best stuff away for free, did you?” The ad is clearly fake, because if it was real, I guarantee that guy would have gotten punched in the mouth. He just has one of those really punchable faces and the fact that he is also apparently a jerk doesn’t help his cause.

And lastly, Dr. Pepper 10. Seriously, what the hell, Dr. Pepper? Let’s just get it out of the way.

It is quite possibly one of the most sexist and misogynistic 30 seconds of television in any given time slot, including the time slot during South Park and/or The Rush Limbaugh Comedy Hour. (That’s what his show is called, right?)

P.S. Instead of paying for any more of those dreadful Mucinex commercials, can we just invest in bringing back Billy Mays? Please? Vince from Shamwow gives me nightmares.

From Russia with sarcasm,

Dylan

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Contact Staff Intern Dylan Dulberg via email at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter @dyldude64