It might be old-fashioned of me, but I remember my first kiss.

Many people these days don’t, either because all the tongues and saliva melt together, or it was the offspring of an inebriated evening.

It was a May day in kindergarten. I had seen my parents kiss, in one of those short bursts where they could stand each other’s company and had wanted to try it myself before school got out.

My victim was a girl named Cynthia. She has brunette hair that resembled the same shape as Darth Vader’s helmet. She was furiously scribbling inside the lines for some silly assignment at the round table right behind me.

I couldn’t fight the urge anymore – I stood up from my seat and smashed my lips right against hers.

Cynthia yelped like a dog that just had its tail stepped on and our teacher scuttled over and hoisted me right out of the classroom.

She moved that summer.

Despite that harrowing tale which began the downward spiral that is my love life, it was a social learning experience necessary to the growth of a malleable human brain. It perturbs me that school kids these days are facing banishment from institutions for multitudes of measly incidents.

A 14-year-old student at a Florida middle school was suspended for giving a hug to a friend of his. Not a bear hug, nor a hug around hips, a mildly affectionate hug amongst friends, or whatever else they decide to do when their parents are out grocery shopping.

The school’s strict no-hugging policy sees no difference separating a hug from sexual harassment.

This is disturbing to the highest degree. There is a fine line betwixt a friendly embrace and ‘pantsing’ a classmate.

Do kids still do this ‘pantsing,’ where you tear down a fellow student’s baggy leg coverings and laugh at their bare ass? I, for the most part, missed these hijinks as a middle school attendee being pummeled with weight insults.

No, my momma wasn’t “so fat,” I just really liked to eat and did not enjoy mild exercise. Sue me.

Getting caught having sex in the school library and hugging a friend farewell are two highly contrasting circumstances.

Another instance led a first-grader to be suspended for singing a verse from LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It” to a classmate while shaking his buttocks in her face.

There are definitive issues with doing both these acts at all, even more simultaneously, but to land a six-year-old suspension for the contradictory statements pumped at him through mindless media outlets? The problem lies higher than with a stimulated impressionable brain.

The boy didn’t invade anyone’s privacy except his own and should result in embarrassment within his class, not getting a recess from school. If anything, the children should beat him senseless for his mindless actions. That would teach him more than a slap and a letter home.

The policies on kids today is too strict and undermines lessons that need be learned the hard way. If I were not tormented as a child, I probably would not have turned out the way I did. There is a blatant rebuttal to that I’m sure.

Youth needs to learn first-hand the implements of society. It needs to be monitored, yes, but to suspend one for shake shake shaking that booty or reciting the droning lyrics to a pitiful song is an issue that needs to be taken up with bigger fish. Don’t blame the eggshell mind of children for picking up what is pumped into their veins.