DISCLAIMER: This Mouthing Off piece is purely a work of fiction.

Wildlife at Oakland University will no longer be limited to its herd of deer.

In what many are calling a brazen move, President Russi approved a measure that will bring real, live grizzly bears to live on campus permanently. In addition to the bears, extra herds of deer will be brought in and a creek stocked with salmon, both for the bears to feed on.

Russi said the decision, though a little radical, will solve the branding issues that have plagued the campus for years.

“(Oakland University) has too many logos, catchphrases and superficial advertising. Michigan has an ‘M’. State has a Spartan helmet. Oakland now has live grizzlies,” Russi said.

The bears will not only fix the problem of branding, but they will bring a level of authenticity as well, according to Russi.

“This phony notion that we are ‘grizzlies’ has gone on too long. Anyone can tell in our commercials that it is a dude in a bear costume.” Russi said. “We need to become more authentic with our image and now we have just that.”

Although many faculty said the problem could be solved by simply adopting once and for all an official logo, Russi said the problem is much deeper.

“At this point, drastic measures are needed. We have so many logos: the U that is under the O, the U that is under the O with a grizzly on top, the simple ‘Oakland University,’ the simple ‘Oakland University’ with a grizzly on top of it, the simple, growling bear, the simple, growling bear turned sideways, the swishy ‘Golden Grizzlies’ logo with a whole bear swiping its paw at it as if it hates it, and that stupid Sail logo,” he said.

Russi said if anything, he hopes the “stupid Sail logo” will be eliminated forever.

The bears will assist in more ways than bringing a lively new perspective on OU’s branding, said OU men’s basketball coach Greg Kampe at a June 2 press conference.

Kampe is actively recruiting a 7-foot-3 inch male grizzly to play center for the grizzlies.

“This guy is incredible. We have been in need of a dominant, unstoppable center for a long time now,” Kampe said. “When he boxes out, the power of his butt just flattens any opponents.”

Several players, including OU players who asked to remain anonymous, expressed concern for their safety, being that he is a bear. They said already that he gets too violent when he doesn’t understand the game, and that the dance and cheer teams annoy him when they call him “Honey.”

Kampe insists he can be tamed and said that he will bring “difficult but necessary” diversity to the basketball program.

“True, he is an enormous and potentially dangerous being of the animal kingdom, but that doesn’t mean we segregate human and bear basketball teams,” Kampe said. “How could a loving god stop a passionate bear from following his dreams?”

Despite his immense support for the bear, Kampe admitted he can’t shoot free throws or speak English.

Kampe is awaiting a decision by the NCAA to allow the bear to play.

Several faculty members and many students also expressed concern for their safety now that there are live grizzlies moseying around campus.

Sally I. Worrie, a double major in statistics and dance, has led a ‘million dude-in-a costume march’ where students wore Grizz costumes in support of fake grizzlies. Although the march didn’t attract  a million students, it did attract 19,378 of the 19, 379 students at OU.

The protest, however, was abruptly stopped when several grizzly bears attacked the students, sending the crowd in utter panic.

OUPD said several environmental and philosophy students were playing with some grizzly cubs that were attracted to the barbecues that the protesters were enjoying when two angry mother grizzly burst forth from the bushes. No serious injuries were reported, but several students complained of cramps and heartburn from running too much after eating.

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Contact Managing Editor Jordan Gonzalez via email at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter @el_doctor23