Dear American citizens and lawmakers, (I would address this to New Jersey, but I think somebody will need to read this out loud for them anyways),

In the words of Ron White: “You can’t fix stupid.” But apparently, you can fine stupid.  This has been recently proved in Fort Lee, New Jersey (seriously, where else would idiocy reach new heights?) where police have begun issuing $85 jaywalking tickets to those who walk around city streets while texting on their phones.

Just in case you weren’t reading close, I will repeat that:

A TICKET OF $85 WILL BE CHARGED IF YOU ARE FOUND TEXTING SOMEONE WHILE WALKING ON A CITY STREET.

In other words, there must have been enough incidents of stupid people getting hurt while texting on the sidewalk that lawmakers and citizens and everyone involved in the process voted to enact this as statute. That’s how hopelessly dumb these people apparently are.

Congratulations, lawmakers of New Jersey. Do you know what America thinks of you? You are the breeding grounds of the creature known as Snookie, and you have the most moronically incapable residents of any American state! Look at you!

But, as any reasonable person (edit: person not from New Jersey) would see, this opens up a whole new world of laws that can be made to protect the stupid from their stupid selves. I, for one, would like to lead this charge, and offer up some more laws to help protect those who clearly cannot protect themselves. You know, from things like walking.

1)   “Zip it or Ticket.” If you forget to zip your zipper after using the bathroom, $50 ticket for you, sir.

2)   It is now against the law to fish from horseback.

3)   “Keep kids alive, don’t drive. At all.” Do you want your stupid children to stop being hit by equally stupid drivers? Well, how bout nobody can drive! There, that solves it.

4)   Birds have the right of way on all highways.

5)   Pedestrians must wear taillights on the back of their pants, and turn signals on their shoulders.

I could keep listing these all day, but my brain hurts just from thinking about it, so I think that will do for now.

From Russia, with sarcasm,

Dylan