Your parents are hypocrites. They always told you, “Don’t give in to peer pressure. Do your own thing. Be a trailblazer, not a trail taker. Stop throwing soup water balloons.”

They always told you to be your own individual, but then they also said, “When you are an adult, you need to sign up to vote.”

Well, to the parent I never had because I was raised by my butler Alfred and a ton of bats, I call shenanigans. You can’t tell me one day that wearing my Transformers T-shirt and technicolor dream coat with my khaki shorts in a great way to be unique, and tell me the next that I have to sign up to vote the next year when I turned 18.

I empower all of you who have yet to absentee vote for Ron Paul because they haven’t been paying attention to Saturday Night Live lately —  don’t vote.

Now, I am not saying we should abandon our civil liberties. I am saying voting doesn’t really make sense when both options suck.

I am going to quote Abraham Lincoln’s last declaration, as he was carried off into the distance by the gigantic bald eagle of lore, “By the power vested in me by this giant bald bird, the leader of this nation shall not be the shiniest of two turds.”

I think what this great bearded man and this great beardless bird were trying to convey is that if both candidates are unlikeable, we shouldn’t be forced to choose between them.

What we have to do in this situation is find someone else to vote for. Once you have accepted this, you will have a few options.

Like always, you can vote for the third party candidates, such as prominent figures of the Green Party, the Libertarian Party or whatever joke of a party Roseanne Barr is the candidate for. Or, you can vote for the super-ridiculous candidates like the ticket of Jimmy McMillan and Vermin Supreme or the clowns of the Modern Whig Party.

Also, you can write in a candidate. For example, I am still totally on board with Newt Gingrich’s Moon Base 2012 platform (Also, his wife looks like the yellow Angry Bird and that makes me giggle.) Or finally, you can just make your ballot up. I’d be down with either Adam West/Gary Busey or Clint Eastwood/Chair. Either one works.

But no matter what, it is vital that we not vote for a candidate that is just going to disappoint us in the end.

So, as you prepare for the years ahead, think — if the president is going to suck no matter what, wouldn’t you rather be entertained as well?

Vote ridiculous in 2012. It’s what the Mayans want.