Q: I’m 21, and I’ve never gone on a first date or anything. How do I get myself in the dating game?  – Anonymous student  

Let me start with this: you are not behind. The timeline imposed on young adults – your first relationship in high school, a college sweetheart and a happy marriage at 25 – is an unrealistic social construct. It doesn’t help that your relatives probably pry at Thanksgiving, asking the dreaded “Are you dating anyone?” question. Real life unfolds differently for everyone.

Some of the coolest people I know haven’t made dating a high priority in their lives, and they’re still living exciting, vibrant, full lives. My sister, for example, is a bioengineering student, which means she spends her days studying concepts I can’t even pronounce. When she’s not in a laboratory, she’s frosting cakes at her bakery job and hanging out with lifelong friends who’ve been by her side since middle school. She’s the kind of person who can solve problem sets, pipe a perfect buttercream cake and give a heartfelt hug – all in one day. 

“I don’t have time for a boyfriend,” she always huffs before disappearing into her room with a stack of textbooks. And she’s right – her life is already full. She’s surrounded by friendship, ambition and support. Watching her makes me realize that having a strong network of friends and a passion for your work is often more reliable and fulfilling than chasing a relationship just for the sake of it.  

Then there’s my friend Matilde. She’s an Italian goddess with hair like a Botticelli painting and the only sommelier I trust to recommend me a drink. She simply laughs off any romantic interests. Why? She’s balancing multiple jobs, tackling her degree and carving out time for her friends. Recently, she’s gotten into making homemade gelato (which is excellent news for me) and spends her summers on the Italian coast, sending me photos of beaches and plates of pasta that make me want to hop on the next flight out of DTW. Her life is proof that you can build a life overflowing with joy and adventure without needing a relationship to validate it. 

I don’t think of these people as being unsuccessful; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. They’re determined, passionate and smart. I love being in their presence, and it constantly reminds me that fulfillment comes in many different forms.  In all honesty, the fact that neither of them has had a serious relationship never even crossed my mind until I sat down to write this piece.

When I think about the rewarding relationships in my life, I think about watching movies with my sister in our childhood basement on a humid summer day, the two of us wrapped in blankets sharing snacks and commentary as if the outside world didn’t exist. I picture cramming into a friend’s tiny bathroom with six other girls before a night out, all of us sharing one curling iron and trading tops. I think of Evan nudging me his leftover fries at a restaurant, insisting I take the rest. I think about Maya, who spent hours making my favorite spinach and artichoke drip just two days before I left for France, carefully wrapping the leftovers for me in my dimly lit kitchen. I think about Hailey surprising me with a bouquet of flowers the morning after a breakup and the way the scent lingered in my room the following week. These friendships have been more constant, meaningful and honestly, way more fun than the handful of romantic relationships I’ve had.  

When I think of love, it’s these friendships that come to mind first – not an ex-boyfriend. They remind me that love shows up in different forms, not just romantic ones. So before you beat yourself up about never going on a first date, remind yourself that romance might be exciting, but friendship is stable, lasting and often way more fun. 

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about getting into the actual dating game. 

All of my friends have come to one major conclusion: you have to work on yourself first before entering a relationship. “I need to be the best version of myself,” my friend always says. I know it sounds cliché, but she’s right. Take the time to figure out what you value, what you’re looking for and what you want out of a relationship. Relationships can be great, but they take a lot of work. It will be a lot easier to navigate a relationship knowing who you are and what you want. 

Maybe I’m just a super lucky person, but I’ve always met romantic partners organically – through clubs, out in public or through a friend of a friend. Show up. Go to club meetings, attend campus events and say yes to parties. These are all golden opportunities to meet people.  

That being said, it would be stupid not to admit that online dating is an obvious first step as well. I famously hate it and exclusively use it when traveling in foreign cities to get a local’s recommendation. But sometimes, you have to play the game. Honestly, it’s the easiest way to find a date. 

If you’re nervous about meeting someone from an online dating app, invite a friend to be nearby for support. I’ve helped out friends by simply bringing a laptop to a café and occasionally glancing up to make sure everything seemed safe. It can seem sketchy and awkward at first, but I think that online dating would be a low-stakes way to ease into dating.

So, anonymous student, you are not behind in life. I’m sure that you’re surrounded by friends and family who care about you. I’m sure you’re studying something you’re passionate about and have a bright future ahead of you. When you’re ready, romance will fit right into your life. Be sure to welcome it with open arms.

When it does arrive, it may be all consuming — the kind of relationship that makes you pace around your bedroom and reread text messages. Or it may be the quiet peace you’ve always been looking for — a grounding, steady presence in your normally chaotic life. Sometimes, it’s simply a learning experience.

What’s most important is that you keep your door open. Don’t keep it wide open in desperation, but keep it open in a calm, deliberate way — creaked just wide enough for someone to walk in when the time is right.

In the meantime? Download Hinge and don’t forget about your friendships – they’re the great first loves of college and will stick around with you long after the first-date jitters fade.