Mouthing off: Something don’t smell right

There is an eerie silence sifting around the Oakland campus. It’s floating in our air and up our nostrils.

While the police investigate an assault on campus, there is another question lurking that no one seems to be addressing – why is there new carpet in the OC?

We here at The Post put on our sleuthing hats and set out to uncover the conspiracy. 

Then last week, we received an anonymous tip about a campus monster that made a big stink in the past.

Back in the mid-70’s, there was a rampaging fecal festerer. That’s right, folks – The Oakland Poop Bandit is back.

This must be why the OC got a makeover – the elusive marksman planted a seed right in front of Fireside Lounge.

Some call the culprit the Mad Dropper. Others echo the name Diarrhea Demon.

 “I call him a (expletive) lunatic,” an anonymous student named Jeff said. “Who squats down and lets rip in public? Grow up, you five-year-old.”

OUPD has made a stink about getting involved, going on record as saying, “No comment.”

Once this bandit caught wind of The Post stirring up the issue, we received a threatening letter, reading in cut-out magazine letters, “DROP THE INVESTIGATION OR EXPECT A BIG PRESENT.”

The stupid idiot signed his name, Shane Anigans. 

Quick research in the student database reveals there has never been a student enrolled under the name Shane Anigans. We were mere inches away. Inches.

While the student Code of Conduct does not directly reference any issues regarding defecation on public property, it does list “engaging in public stunts and buffoonery,” as part of its anti-hazing agenda, and these fumes have definitely created some thick, disgusting hazes.

Despite the endangering effects, some students see this vigilant as a godsend.

“The old carpet was atrocious,” said a student eating a peanut butter ham sandwich near Café O’Bears. “If I knew it only took some poop to make change around here, I would’ve pounded one out myself.”

Vigilante or villain aside, some faculty members are only concerned for the safety of the students.

“This terrorist needs to stop,” a professor said. “What happens when someone slips? Am I going to have to haul my Hazmat suit out of storage?”

Although it appears the Poop Bandit only strikes at night, some professors have started running drills in case of attack.

“We stood on our desks in my geometry class,” said Steve Kneeve, ninth-year procrastination senior. “I’ll just jump out the window. I just got these new K-Swiss kicks. All white, still crispy as hell.”

The Post will continue looking into the whereabouts of the Poop Bandit and the modern popularity of K-Swiss. In the meantime, safety stations will be set up around campus distributing clothespins for unprepared noses. Anyone who comes in contact with a specimen is instructed to report to Graham Health Center to receive an immediate acid bath and have their clothes melted.

Be safe, and watch your step for ice or other slippery objects.