Curse of the Oakland Center circle: proven

It’s circular, enchanted with dark magic− and most of us have stepped on it. The circle in front of the Oakland Center has long been rumored to be imbued with evil forces, and now it’s been verified.

“I was a 4.0 student, star athlete, and I had the hottest girlfriend on campus,” said 34-year-old anthropology major Axel Dent. “Now I’ve got a 2.2 GPA, work at Burger King and nobody wants to date a guy with an eye patch. It’s all because I stepped on that god-forsaken seal.”

Dent originally stepped on the circle back in 1999.

“I saw a Scantron resting in the circle,” Dent said. “I had a final exam that day. And back then, we didn’t just have free Scantrons, we had to pay for them.”

The moment Dent entered the circle to grab the Scantron, his life rapidly spiraled into a living hell.

“First, a bird flew into the circle and hit me in the eye,” Dent said. “I had the option to go to the hospital to get treatment, but my professor just wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh boo-hoo! He lost an eye on exam day,” anthropology professor Terrance Feldman said. “Life’s not fair. It’s the first rule of anthropology.”

“I gave up my eye so I could take the test,” Dent said. “It turns out the Scantron I used was too dirty for the machine to interpret and I failed the exam.”

Dent’s girlfriend left him the following day.

“I wouldn’t be caught dead dating a guy who looks like a pirate,” fashion hand model Rebecca Simons said. “Plus, he kept whining about how his professor made him take that exam. I mean, one time I had to take an exam with a hangnail, and you don’t see me complaining.”

Clearly, Dent’s life was turned upside down after his run-in with the circle. But are evil spirits really haunting the seal of OU?

“Yes,” OUPD Captain Sophee Obvio said. “We’ve known it’s been haunted by a poltergeist for years. However, the spirit is following the law. It’s got the right to curse people. We can’t just arrest every scary ghost on campus for no reason.”

Out of the roughly 20,000 students and faculty members at OU, it is estimated that roughly 20,000 have become cursed.

While other students remain anonymous about their hexes, witnesses have seen Grizzly follies.

“Some dude stepped on that circle, lit a cigarette and caught his whole sleeve on fire,” said Justin Berbiligopoulos, freshman.

The Oakland Post advises to keep that in mind, next time you’re walking around campus all willy-nilly. Otherwise, you could end up like Dent.

“I only need one more class to graduate and escape this misery,” Dent said. “But when I go to register, the queue is always full. Always full… for 15 years.”