Blood, sweat and lite beers


The Oakland Post

As we all know, beer is man’s greatest invention. Morning, noon and night; if I’m awake, I’m drinking it. As a college student, the temptation to imbibe is an ever-present obstacle. After two years of being able to legally relieve my problems with the use of alcohol, I am here to say: thank you, universe.

As a guy who likes to constantly bitch about everything that happens in life, I have searched high and low for the beer that is just right to ease my sorrows. 

Much to the chagrin of many of my contemporaries, my spirit of choice is Miller Lite. I like my beer how I like my women: cheap, easy to swallow and urine-colored. Miller Lite fits that description to a tee. 

This works out perfectly for me because Chili’s, the greatest bar/restaurant of all time, has some pretty sexy happy hour specials most days. And guess which mouth-watering selection they have available for the reasonable price of $3.25 a beer? Miller Lite is the nectar of the gods.

If one more person tells me that my choice of beverage is “piss beer,” I will scream. 

Why would I want to drink something that fills me up? Or something like Guiness that I have to use a fork and knife to cut through before I eat it?

Even if all of my Miller Lite critics are right, my current choice of alcoholic goodness is still better and much manlier than what I used to drink at the ripe age of 21. I won’t go into too much detail, but let’s just say my drink of choice back in the day was a lot fruitier than what I choose now. 

Up to this point, every person I have asked has been against me. If I have to fight every detractor that crosses my path, I will. I will never give up on my love for the greatest piss-flavored drink in the world.

My only hope is that one day I will find someone who shares my love of deliciously watered down American beers.