Naked and afraid


Copy Editor Josh Soltman uses Snapchat to put his superior artistic abilities on display for the world to see. 

Smartphones have made life easier for everyone. Now we have information of anything you can think of available whenever we want. We can communicate with anyone around the globe in an instant. We all have this amazing opportunity right at our fingertips; the world is literally in the palm of our hands, and all you perverts can do is take nudes.

A few days ago, at least 200,000 Snapchat photos and videos were leaked online. This is just the latest in an increasingly common trend of people’s naked lives being violated and broadcasted to the world.

The photos were saved onto a third-party website that attracted users by offering the ability to view snaps on a desktop computer instead of just on a phone. Apparently viewing your neighbor in her underwear is not as satisfying on a phone screen as it is on your laptop with the sticky keyboard.

As a human being I do feel bad for the people whose privacies were invaded, I really do, but the bottom line is that people are stupid. Stop taking nudes, especially if you are a teenager. Instead, try reading a book, or making a collage, or cooking a shepherd’s pie, or playing ultimate Frisbee; do literally anything else.

It’s 2014. Our generation has had this ridiculous technology for a long time now. If people still don’t realize that nothing online is safe, then we should play Monopoly together because I like playing Monopoly.

You might remember awhile back when there was that big celebrity nude photo leak with Justin Verlander’s big white butt prancing around. Apparently, the same upstanding citizens behind that glorious photo leak also carried out this whole Snapchat debacle. I conducted an imaginary interview with one of the men behind the crime.

“Since the last season of “Game of Thrones” ended I’ve been pretty bored, so I thought this would be a good way to spend my time,” Steve Stevens, a part-time McNugget chef and full-time MMO-playing douchebag, said. “I don’t get to see my weekly nudity on “GOT” so I figured, what the hell, I’ll just look elsewhere.”

In reality, Snapchat is stupid. Just another way for people to piss off their friends by spending time making stupid faces in public and taking pictures of it. It’s stupid. That being said, I use Snapchat every day. However, the number of nudes I produce on a daily basis has gone way down. Now I pretty much just take photos of my eyeballs and videos of my dog defecating in my front yard.

I remember the good old days when husbands and wives took their nude photos with disposable cameras and then hoped that the pharmacy clerk wouldn’t see their naked bums when they got them developed.

Of course, I don’t actually remember that because I’m not an old-ass man but I’ve heard stories. With Snapchat allowing any weirdo to act out their sexual fetish fantasies at the click of a button, the chances of people seeing them just increased a whole lot. Better get those Polaroids out folks.