MMA smackdown results in heartbreaking loss for beanie baby of Kennedy dynasty

Lauren Karmo, Campus Editor

In a heated battle between incumbent (and king) Sen. Ed Markey and fresh-faced beanie baby Rep. Joe Kennedy III, the Green New Deal champ came out on top for another progressive win for the radical left. As some of you may have heard, this is a really big deal because a Kennedy has never lost a political race in Massachusetts — ever. 

Before we get into it, as a disclaimer, I want everyone to know I am an expert on the Kennedys. If you want proof, I’ll scan you my second grade report on Mr. John F. for reference, just shoot me an email.

What’s so historic about our hero Markey in this story is that he, like a true underdog, had all the odds stacked against him. Not only was his 50-year senate run challenged by one of the newest installments of the Kennedy dynasty, but his opponent also got the endorsement of speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi (D-Md.). Talk about tough. 

I’ll be honest, I hate an underdog. Who really picks David over Goliath, workers’ unions over Walmart or Oakland University basketball over Michigan State … too far? What I’m saying is, this old man who has done the work to author and pass bills supporting environmental protections and the Green New Deal needs to back off. I want a Kennedy, and I want him now.

The Kennedys are a long-standing family dynasty who have earned our respect. Never mind the fact that the Kennedys are most well known for being killed (rest in power, JFK), crazy (wonder how that lobotomy felt, Rosemary) or just plain stuck up (our girly Kick went from American princess to English Dutchess real quick). It’s disrespectful to the family that got us *checks hand* astronauts? to not elect young Joe. 

The true reason Markey prevailed was not the support of the stuffy establishment, but that of grassroots voters and a shiny stamp of approval from the Sunrise Movement — an environmentalist group led by young Americans. 

Stupid young people, honestly. They’re out here listening to WAP and calling themselves intellectuals. They don’t belong in our good American politics. We should raise the voting age back to 25, the way it was pre-26th amendment, when America was really great. Or maybe that was in 1919? Or maybe the 1800s … still a little unclear when America was great. I’ll do some journalistic investigations and get back to y’all on that. 

Who even cares about the environment anyways? Definitely not me. I don’t understand how that’s such a hot button issue for all these damn young people. The environment has been fine for years, why are we all the sudden so concerned with it now. On a totally unrelated note, did anyone go to Lake Michigan this summer? The water levels rose so high the beach was totally destroyed. Crazy how that just happens — totally and completely unrelated to climate change, which is a hoax!

In all seriousness, I send my deepest condolences to Joe Kennedy III. You got your ass handed to you, and that’s gotta hurt. Joe, meet me for drinks at the Markey celebration party, Sagebrush, 7 p.m. — you’re gonna need it, buddy.