The All-American coronavirus task force

Sergio Montanez, Photographer

In late January, President Donald Trump formed a task force to handle the deadly coronavirus. By the end of February, Trump named Vice President Mike Pence the head of that task force.

Last week, in a press conference where Pence was present, White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham announced the task force had undergone staff rearrangement, letting the majority of the staff members go. However, Grisham disclosed that new members of the task force had been placed, making it an “all-star team that parallels that of the ’95 Chicago Bulls.”

The news broke with little to no media exposure, with many news media outlets choosing not to cover the story. The Oakland Post has a responsibility to inform the community through any means necessary. We are living in a desperate time where new cases of the virus are popping up around the country, making us all vulnerable to a virus we can basically prevent from spreading by taking the necessary precautions — WASH YO HANDS, PEOPLE.

Anyway, I did a little digging into the so called “all-star team,” and I present to you the new members of the task force:

Mike Pence: The leader and the superstitious one

Let’s start off with the fearless leader, the man himself, Vice President Pence. He’s a “Christian, a conservative and a Republican, in that order.” Don’t you dare tell him he’s a Republican first, a Christian second and a conservative third — his mom will hear about this. He may be afraid to socialize with women without his wife’s approval, but he’s going to zap that dick of yours if you so much as think of engaging in any kind of sexual act with another man (unless it’s two women, that’s totally OK). Pence’s main plan to combat the virus is to pray it away. He intends to introduce a bill to the House that makes it mandatory for every American citizen to pray for the coronavirus to go away for at least 10 minutes every day.  

He’s not just the head of the force, but he gives head … way to Trump to take credit for the handling of the situation once it’s been eliminated — if it’s eliminated.  

His special attack is “Science: fiction.” It’s where he denies any sort of science. Technically, the coronavirus doesn’t exist.  

McAfee Antivirus Software: The MVP

Yes, you read it right, the world’s leading security program is on the team to take down a human virus. Does this really surprise you? 

“There’s no better way to fight a virus than with an antivirus,” Pence said during the press conference. “We are preparing to equip every member of the task force with McAfee ghillie suits.”

The ghillie suits will be made from broken pieces of the installation CD. As requested by Pence, the ghillie suits will come equipped with crucifixes, silver bullets and wooden stakes, in case of werewolves and vampires. 

“We will be prepared for whatever comes our way,” Pence said.

Is anyone going to tell Pence that McAfee is a computer software?

Kaitlin Bennett, AKA “Gun Girl”: The biological weapons expert

She loves to put microphones right up against people’s faces and berate them about LGBTQIA+ individuals using bathrooms. But you know what she hates the most besides leftists? Leftists coming to take her guns away. You thought guns were deadly? Well, if there’s one thing deadlier than Gun Girl with an AR-25, it’s Gun Girl shitting her pants. That’s right, Gun Girl is not just going to show up guns blazing to fight the coronavirus, she’s going to show up to literally defecate on the virus itself. 

“Rather than arming Ms. Bennett with Tony Montana style weapons, we’re going to encourage her to switch her diet to just Chipotle to ensure the best possible outcomes,” Pence said.

Two viruses pinned against each other, who will win? On one end, we have a microorganism that affects the immune system. On the other end, we have an organism that gets on everyone’s nerves. 

Alex Jones: The emotional support guide

With a show like “InfoWars,” how could you not expect Jones to join a “militia” style group to “fight” a war? He has to reassure the public of his masculinity and there’s no better way to do it than to join a cult — I mean the army, or an “army.” That sounds scary to just think about. 

“The coronavirus is a government-made pathogen to turn all men gay,” Jones said in a press release on the InfoWars website. “The virus is released into water pipelines that run across the bed of the Pacific Ocean from China to America, where the mixture of chemicals, when consumed, restructure our DNA and RNA to make our brain believe that we are sexually attracted to the same sex.”

Jones will be in charge of keeping everyone in mental stability as they go out into the trenches of war.

Corona: The Hawkeye of the team

I know what you’re thinking — why is Corona there? They’re a Mexican company, isn’t it supposed to be just Americans in the team? Turns out, the Mexican-based beer gave a hefty donation to Trump’s reelection campaign. Who knew you could buy politicians as long as the price is right? Beside the point, the industry giant now has a personal feud with the virus as they have suffered collateral damage in their stocks. Nothing hurts a company more than losing money … and people not getting drunk off their products.  

There you have it, folks — the task force that is going to save us all from a pandemic. America is in good hands. We have nothing to worry about. Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. I’m not worried about anything, why should I be? Nothing is going to go wrong. You know how when you say something over and over again it begins to sound ridiculous and begins to feel like it has no meaning at all? Neither do I.