Proof Bernie sold his soul to the devil

As the primaries get closer and closer, talk about the presidential candidates has dominated the news cycle for months on end. Who’s going to come out on top? No one can truly know … or can we?

Bernard “Bernie” Sanders (I-Vt.) has been climbing in the polls, dominating all of his opponents by a 16-point lead — double the polling number for the next highest candidate, Joe Biden (whom I also have some suspicions about, but that’s another story). Why the sudden climb in the polls? Easy.

He done sold his soul to the devil.

Now I know what you’re thinking — “Lauren, you’re insane” — and I may be, but not about this. Bern is 78 years old, and that is an ungodly age. This man is still alive? How?

Bernie is so old that he’s not even a Boomer. That’s right, this man is of the silent generation, which are the Boomer’s parents. He is the father of a Boomer. Jesus Christ, if I’m not rolling in my grave at 78, then someone better put me out of my misery.

Y’all see his energy when he is running around on stage screaming about “Medicare this” and “Fuck the rich that” (real quotes taken from the January debate). Bern acts like he has the pep of a fresh-faced 16-year-old, and I have finally figured out how.

It’s just unnatural. This is not how God or Allah or Mother Earth or whoever wanted us to live. When She got down and dirty and made humans out of horse shit or whatever, She did not say, “Huh, this creature should live forever.” She said, “LMAO, guys, look what I made, let’s give it mental illness.”

This is how I picture it went down — Bernie was approaching the tender age of 21, like the rest of us around here, and the snake saw his ambition. He said, “Bernie SSSSSSSandersssss, I have a ssssolution for you. You want to sssssucceed? Let’sssss make a deal.”

Bernie, of course said, “Bruh, whatever you want, I’m sold.”

I know what you’re gonna say and I do not want to hear it. “Bernie is Jewish, you uninformed piece of fake news reporter trash,” and I counter that with this — even if it wasn’t the devil, then it was probably some meth head in Bloomington that made some miracle concoction that he snorts before every public appearance.

Now we find ourselves here — with the oldest, frailest, most cracked out candidate leading the Democratic polls. If this dude does secure the nomination, I will rally behind the wrinkle. Everything has led up to this moment, and if he pulls a win, then I gotta respect it.

Let’s say he does get elected, and he takes up residence at the grand 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., then Big Bern will be the oldest man inaugurated. If I wasn’t so sure he had this deal in the bag, I would be worried he will kick the bucket in office.

Even if he is in bed with the snake, there is absolutely no way he is worse than Lil’ Don.