Mike Pompeo defends sexist attack by urinating out window

Ben Hume, Web Editor

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Mike Pompeo was called out early last weekend for verbally assaulting veteran reporter and resident badass Marie Louise Kelly. Kelly was reporting for NPR on Iran and Ukraine and did a nine-minute interview with the Secretary of State, the person in the United States government who is supposed to be an expert on important things that happen in the world. 

Pompeo got angry at Kelly for surprising him with questions he was not prepared for on minor topics like international assassinations by the U.S. government and publicly denouncing an American ambassador who was … hold on, let me check the transcripts … doing her job? That sounds about right.

He was also mad at Kelly for being smart, as he attempted to mansplain where Ukraine was to a person who had been reporting on the Ukraine scandal since it broke. When he brought out a blank map and asked her to point to Ukraine, he was surprised to see a woman make him look like a fool as she correctly identified the location of Ukraine.

The fact that Pompeo made a mockery of himself for not being prepared for topics he was told about the day before lead to a follow-up interview with the publication Moron Daily. He defended his outburst by telling the reporter that he yelled at Kelly because he could. He, being a big white man, had the right to tell her that she can’t do her job correctly because she made him feel stupid.

“I honestly can’t believe that she thinks she is allowed to know more than me. I am the secretary of state, and I will not be bullied by a woman,” Pompeo said. “My position is really great, and I am legally not allowed to be made a fool of. It’s in my contract.”

Pompeo claimed that his job requires only the strongest of character, which is why the Trump administration chose him for the job. He told the Moron that a person of his position could get away with anything because they are made of such moral fiber.

“Watch, I could piss out this window and no one would challenge me,” Pompeo said as he opened the room’s only window. “Even the people down below won’t bat an eyelash at me when I do it, just watch.”

As he relieved himself onto the sidewalk below to the irritation of the crowd below, Pompeo became irritated with the Moron reporter for attempting to bring up a possible apology to Kelly, as his verbal abuse was universally agreed to be uncalled for. Pompeo began shouting at the reporter for suggesting he could possibly owe anyone an apology.

“It is shameful that this reporter chose to violate the basic rules of journalism and decency,” he yelled at the sky. “This is another example of how unhinged the media has become in its quest to hurt President Trump and this administration. It is no wonder that the American people distrust many in the media when they so consistently demonstrate their agenda and their absence of integrity.”

Pompeo failed to provide any evidence for these claims of libel and slander, and instead decided to hang from the ceiling fan and scream. The reporter decided that this qualified as an “off the record” session from Pompeo, and, not wishing to suffer his sexist wrath, they decided to end the interview there and leave him to relieve himself out the window a second time.