I can’t get JB’s yummy yum out of my mind

Our man Justin Bieber has done some wack shit, but now I really don’t know what this dude is on. When he released “Yummy” on Jan. 3, my guy really thought he was dropping a banger. He was wrong.

Where do I even begin with this song? First, let’s talk about the lyrics. This song is three-and-a-half minutes long, and there are only 10 unique lines in it. Not even good, just different. The rest is just the same set of eight lines repeated over and over and yummy yum and yummy yum and yummy yum until I get the sweet release of death.

The Biebz really sat down with four other professional writers and between their five little brains, the best they could come up with was this? Embarrassing.

Speaking of embarrassing, let’s talk about Hailey Baldwin — excuse me, Mrs. Bieber, like every other preteen on Instagram circa 2013. She thought she was really winning big when she tied the knot with tattooed underwear model and part-time singer JB, but then he went and made “Yummy” about her. Maybe consider filing for a divorce?

Why didn’t anyone tell him this song was bad? He has millions of people surrounding him daily to help him “create art,” but instead of making “Baby” 2.0, he made this disaster.

What I’m absolutely lost on is Justin doesn’t make bad music. “Baby”? Undeniably a banger. “Beauty and a Beat”? Juuuustinnnn killed me. “Love Yourself”? Iconic. When he made song of the summer “Despacito”? Don’t even get me started on “Eenie Meenie”!

My point is that he knows what is and isn’t a good song. He collaborates with other big artists and makes good songs with them like “Juke Jam” with Chance the Rapper and “Deja Vu” with Post Malone. He knows what it takes to get a song to No. 1, and then he made this piece of hot garbage.

Speaking of No. 1, why is he so desperate for it? Alright, you didn’t make a hit. Give up and move on. Don’t beg your fans to stream it on silent so it’ll get more views. Yes, he really said that. He knew the song was so bad people wouldn’t even want to listen to it of their own free will, so he said, “Stream it on silent.” Ridiculous.

On his Instagram, there are at least 41 posts in the last month about this song alone. That means he posted about “Yummy” and begged fans to listen to it more than once every day. Talk about desperate.

I just hope that Justin realizes the error in his ways. Hailey should’ve told him that it was bad. If I was writing a song about my wife and the best I could say about her is that she’s yummy, I would deserve the couch. What is this, middle school? I am disappointed.

My man better pump out something amazing to erase this from my brain right now. In the meantime, the only thing running through my head is “yummy yum yummy yum yummy yum yummy yum.”