Party ogres that live in the apartment above you prove that vigilante justice is sometimes OK

Ben Hume, Web Editor

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The apartment above Oakland University student Biff Miller, 21, was the site of the largest rager the university had ever recorded. Registering as a 2.4 on the Richter scale, the party continued for a marathon length of 14 hours before Biff finally heard the last creature hit the floor and pass out. He was so baffled by his neighbors’ capacity to make noise that he concluded they must be party ogres.

Biff described them as invincible, because there would be no other way to explain the number of suplexes they survive.

“I heard one of the ogres above us scream, ‘TKO!’ and annihilate one of his roommates with the strength of Zeus,” he said. “If it wasn’t 4:30 a.m., I would honestly be impressed, but I am trying very hard to sleep at that time.”

Biff noted some other events have led to earthquakes, making sure to note that these quakes are a daily event. The ogres frequently blast DaBaby, Eminem and J. Cole at frequencies that make the paint fall off the ceiling. They sprinted around their apartment with footfalls as heavy as a battleship. They challenged their masculinity with feats of giant strength by catapulting shopping carts over their balcony. The label of ogre really fit them well.

To pass the time every night as he lay awake, Biff imagined the ways he could possibly reason with his neighbors upstairs. He imagined a diplomatic approach, maybe offering them a goat to satiate their terrible hunger for chaos. Maybe he should have sabotaged their subwoofers, giving him at least some respite while they bought a new one. But nothing felt like enough.

“I actually went up to knock one night after I thought I heard a gunshot,” Biff’s roommate Charlie said. “Biff was grabbing his hair and rolling back and forth on the ground, so it was up to me to go see what was happening. I knocked and asked why they were still up, and the ogre with the shotgun said it was just time for target practice. At that point, I knew they would never listen to reason.”

Biff and Charlie both said this entire experience has changed their opinion on vigilante justice. They had already tried contacting their RA, but every time they called, the man on the other end became audibly scared and began hyperventilating.

There were also at least two noise complaints leveled against the neighbors, but no police officer who climbed the stairs to solve the problem ever returned. Charlie and Biff figured that if Batman and Daredevil could do it, why couldn’t they? They didn’t have a lot of money for insane ogre-killing gadgets, nor were they blind super ninjas capable of killing bad guys with their eyes literally closed, but they figured it should at least be legal for circumstances like their own. 

The two were interrupted during our interview as the walls around them shuddered and a big human foot fell through the ceiling and instilled panic in them both, and the interview had to be suspended as they screamed and sprinted out of the room, insanity rampant in their poor eyes.