Cats: The horniest, worst movie of all time

Holy cat Jesus, this movie was something of nightmares. That’s why we teamed up to review this monstrosity, one editor alone would have perished.

M: First off, I just want to say how weirdly sexual this movie was. For no reason, these cats would be brushing up against each other and quivering. There was a lot of unnecessarily horny movement in this movie.

The entire time I was looking for Jason Derulo’s penis, because it was allegedly CGI’ed out, but there was no bulge. Taylor Swift oddly had some large cat breasts for her 45 seconds of screentime. The editors of this movie really needed to get laid.

L: We open with the main character, who is just straight-up bad. There is just no other way to describe it. I don’t know where the $90 million budget went, but it definitely wasn’t spent on the talent for this movie. They had all these big name actors and actresses for all the supporting roles, but the main cat Victoria (Francesca Hayward) was just some rando off the street and it showed. She made one face the whole time, and I’m surprised she didn’t catch flies.

For the amount of screentime and attention Vicky got, she didn’t do anything. She barely had any solos, she had no backstory, she was irrelevant to the plot. I don’t know why she was there, to be honest. If there wasn’t a close zoom on her emotionless face every minute or so, I would not have noticed she was even there.

M: Veronica, or whatever the hell her name was, was really bad for sure, but what the hell was James Corden doing in this movie? The movie just made four fat jokes, then kicked him in the balls twice before banishing his awful character to Siberia.

L: Maybe we weren’t the audience for this movie, because neither of us are the biggest fans of musicals (with the exception of “High School Musical,” which we respect), but wow. All of the songs sounded the same, and there wasn’t a point to half of them. It felt like people were singing just because, not for any reason relevant to the movie.

So many characters had an introduction song and then did not appear again throughout the rest of the movie. Why did I watch them sing for 10 minutes if they weren’t important at all? And all the screentime devoted to all this other nonsense distracted us from the plot, which was hard to follow in the first place.

M: The story also made basically no sense. The prize for being the best singer was death and rebirth into a better life. What kind of sick, twisted shit is that? Jennifer Hudson’s cat should have put Old Deuteronomy into a choke hold and sent her to the shadow realm, claiming her spot as cat queen. That would be a plot twist worthy of my money. Instead, she just got sent to heaven in a hot air balloon as the cats lectured the audience, breaking the fourth wall.

L: We spent two hours in that movie theater watching weird CGI cats rub up on each other and beg for death. I can’t get that time back.

Save your time and do not ever see this movie, even as a meme.

Rating: 0/5 stars