Plum Market becomes new worldwide food provider


Graphic by Ashley Averill

Plum Market sells overpriced food to broke students, a business plan endorsed by Donald Trump.

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

The company famous for the $4 bowl of fruit is now the worldwide food provider of the entire Andromeda galaxy. This move is expected from no one, as they have more money than any other food company in existence.

They are famous for their $9 sandwiches that are smaller and worse than the $3.50 sandwiches at Subway, but yet they still stay in business. These types of business practices are great with a captive audience, which Plum Market has in the Oakland Center. These are great tactics that sports stadiums abuse all the time, it is great to see Plum Market catching up.

Plum Market CEO Martin Shkreli, who was famous for raising the prices of live-saving drugs for terminally ill people, declined to comment when I made a collect call to the local prison.

“We have no idea how Plum Market has been this successful,” President Donny Trump said while squinting. “They have been huge players in the food industry for so long, with prices so high, even I wouldn’t pay them. I mean, seriously, nine dollars for a ham and swiss?”

In all fairness, there are some positive items on the menu at good old PM. There are water bottles that cost the same amount as anywhere else on campus, so hurray I guess. Also, there are delicious edible cookie dough servings for the low price of five dollars. Get your entire daily dose of saturated fat for just a few bills!

Not only does Plum Market provide goods for a steep price, they also provide coffee and frozen yogurt, which is rather tasty, but often times you are left wanting more. Which is why with Plum Market’s new worldwide initiative, they will have coffee vending machines that dispense cups of Joe for only $3 per ounce. A steal in any right.

Plum Market is also rolling out a new section of store in the Oakland bookstore. They will provide all of the materials for you to complete your coursework, like pencils for $49 and a notebook for a small sum of a million dollars. The bookstore already provides food and other items at an inflated price, but with the Plum Market seal of approval, their success will skyrocket.

I admire the Plum Market employees, I truly do. Representing a money hungry company that overcharges for food that students who frequent the Oakland Center might need is a tough job. They just want to make a living, and so do I, which is why I’m getting paid to trash Plum Market. I truly have no shame.

I wish Plum Market the best in their new worldwide initiative, but I hope they realize that money is not all there is in life. Maybe there is more satisfaction in selling things for less than they’re worth, in order to appease the customer and make some poor, tired, sad college student (me) a little happier with a great deal on a Kickstart.

Maybe, just maybe, Plum Market’s heart will grow three sizes one day, and I can buy a chicken salad sandwich there for a decent price. A guy can dream, can’t he?