Satire: An open letter from a proud gun owner

It is a sad day in this great country of ours when another public space bars me from displaying my beautiful firearm openly for all to see. Today, the source of my insufferable sadness is Meijer. The store has decreed that guns like mine make employees and patrons of their store uncomfortable.

But I know the real reason they’re uncomfortable.

I doubt it’s the magnitude of killing power that my beautiful rifle carries — that killing efficiency is not meant for people, only for evaporating small rodents in my backyard. No human should be scared of my gun, because it is not meant to kill them. Their fear is a simple misunderstanding, which leads to a simple conclusion.

They are scared of our love. It is the only explanation I can muster.

The folks at Meijer have seen the care that I have provided for my sweet gun and they are afraid of how much I love her. My love for her knows no bounds — it rivals the love of Romeo and Juliet, Jack and Rose, Bonnie and Clyde. Eliminating my ability to be with my lifelong partner because you think you’re uncomfortable shows that you are a coward and do not believe in true love.

This heartache that takes hold of me leads me to desperate measures. If I cannot show my heartfelt appreciation for my lover in public for all to see, I feel I cannot perform my duties as a proper man. I will have no sexual use, my body would be nothing more than a pile of useless flesh. I will cease to function. I might as well castrate myself, for I will have no other lot in life. Taking away my gun is tantamount to killing me.

In fact, why stop there? If Meijer does not allow my expression of free speech, I should take them to the highest court in the land. I must fight for my right to express my love to whomever I wish, something that I am sure these Democratic sympathizers could not understand. I will dedicate my every waking hour to fighting for my equal right to marry my inanimate rodent killing machine, which is of course its only function.

If I am not able to secure my right to own a gun like mine in such a dangerous world, I would have to take drastic measures. Like every civil rights leader before me, I will be forced to take drastic measures to secure my freedom and safety. I will do anything for my one true love — because I know she would do anything for me.

If you are one of those who would stand between me and my happiness, know that I will go to any length to remove you from my life. Impeding my quest for equality makes you evil, an enemy of progress. You are not an ally of the good if you cannot see that God himself has blessed our union, the union between man and rodent-killing machine.

That is, of course, its only function.