Local prophet visits OU


Prophet condemed a sinner who dared to play Ariana Grande during his three hour long soliloquy. He referred to this student as an “authoritarian.”

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

On the first day of classes at Oakland University, students were greeted with blessings from above, in the form of a pudgy, middle-aged man with a squeaky voice.

A 41-year-old man who has a passion for arguing with people of color and members of the LGBTQIA+ community visited Oakland, sharing his infinite knowledge with anyone who cared to listen. Not many did care to listen, but the few who did left with more questions than answers.

The first sighting of this prophet was reported at 9 a.m., and he left in a blaze of glory at 4 p.m., never once taking a break to eat, drink or go to the bathroom.

He was dressed to the nines, wearing a NASA T-shirt, dad sandals and khaki shorts. He held a sign that simply read “Ask Me Why You Deserve Hell.” A simple sentence that caused immense public outrage. What he lacked in height, he made up for in bluster and gusto.

Many times, he engaged in hearty debate with those that felt offended by his claims that homosexuality was a sin and that most of us were going to hell, but nevertheless, he persisted. The work of a prophet is something that few are able to understand, which is why the campus feels lucky that one of the few people who are allowed to judge and shame was there to share the hard facts of life.

He is a man of many tales. He was addicted to pornography, he lusted after lots of women and this is why he needed God. In his words, he was “saved from lusting and sinning by god once he got on his knees and prayed.”

He goes on tour to different colleges. Last week, he was at Grand Valley State University as well. I’m sure the Lakers took just as good of care of him as the Grizzlies did. Students far and wide traveled to see him preach, occasionally even thanking him for fixing this world, hugging and crying endlessly as they praised him as their new savior.

Throughout my multiple hours of observing him and his gospel, I learned a lot about the world. I learned through his direct quotes that “if you film you and your husband having sex, it is not a sin.” I also learned that the “gay mafia has deceived” me. Never before this prophet visited OU would I have thought that “masturbating without lust is not a sin.”

After his departure, the clouds split and the sun shined bright, leaving many to wonder…was he the second coming of Jesus Christ himself? I can’t say yes or no, but what I can say is, he’s certainly passionate about his beliefs. So passionate, he probably has a UTI from holding it in for seven hours at a time.