How to torture your keto friends

Katie LaDuke, Managing Editor

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If you don’t live under a rock, I’m sure you’re familiar with the keto craze that has been sweeping people everywhere off their feet. If you do live under a rock, let me explain just what this diet is.

The ketogenic diet — better known as keto — essentially cuts out all carbs and sugar from your daily life for high-in-fat foods. That means no pasta, potatoes or really anything that tastes good. Instead, you pack on all the bacon, butter and cheese your heart desires.

Surely, gobbling down bacon every day while losing weight can’t be that bad. But our keto friends know they’re missing out on the true delicacies. Being the little instigator you are, here are proven ways to remind your friends of the life they once lived.

Eat McDonald’s french fries in front of them

Before you pick up your keto buddy for a night on the town, make sure to do a pit stop at your local McDonald’s drive-thru for a fresh batch of those world famous fries. The aroma will hit its peak just as you arrive in your friend’s driveway. It’s important that not a single fry be touched until your passenger is buckled.

Once their seat belt has clicked, they’ll notice the familiar scent. That’s your cue to dig out a single fry. Admire it and comment on the saltiness and crispiness before devouring it. Eat one fry at a time for added fun. The bag will last longer, and their mouth will be watering the entire time.

Show off your bread collection

I’m sure we can all agree that bread is one of the wonders of the world. It is also the biggest enemy of the keto community, being that it’s jam-packed with carbs. But you’re not keto, so bread is your friend. The beauty of a fresh ciabatta roll deserves recognition in itself, but this is your chance to try them all. Dig through the finest bakeries for the softest bread and bagels.

Once your bread haul is complete, sit your keto friend down at your kitchen table and unload your findings. Fresh bakery bread looks so squishable, so they may be tempted to touch it. While you have them there, tell them all about the sandwich art you’ll be making with those lumps of carbs. If you’re feeling nice, you can offer to make them a lettuce wrap.

Chat about your cheap groceries

Sure, eating healthy sounds like a great time and looks cool, but your wallet won’t be too happy. Why spend $37.62 on a bag of almond flour and chia seeds at Trader Joe’s when a $1 doughnut will fill you up?

You’ll be saving at least an average of $150 on groceries every month compared to Keto Kathy from church group. The best part about eating everyday foods is being able to stick to one store, specifically Kroger, for the best deals. Kathy, on the other hand, has to run to three different organic health stores to pick up her holy grail: coconut oil.

While making fun of your keto friends is all fun and games, they do have one thing over our fat asses — they’re actually losing weight, unlike how we say we will.