SATIRE: Sorry about this

Alyssa Ochss

Sorry, but this is going to be a long one. My sorry problem has gotten so bad that I need sorry counters to keep me in check.

Every day, I watch as the sorry counter on The Oakland Post’s board creeps even higher. Every day, my hopes are dashed as I realize there may never be a “cure” for erasing this word from my vocabulary. The word “sorry” is as ingrained into my mind as “hello” is to most people.

Something that’s out of my control: sorry. I bump into a chair: sorry. Someone is upset for a reason not of my doing: sorry. This constant logorrhea of saying sorry has pushed me to my breaking point, and I am taking matters into my own hands.

This is a list I have compiled of ways to not say sorry all the damn time.

Have someone punch you

No joke, my friend does this all the time. If I say sorry even one time, she will punch me in the shoulder or poke me in the side. The sharp pain that reverberates through my body reminds me not to say sorry and keeps me from saying it the next time.

However, this method does give me some bruising by the end of the day.

Spray yourself with water

Every time you say sorry, just spray yourself with a bit of water. Like a cat, it will make you second guess your life decisions and make you afraid to say sorry ever again. Other catlike tendencies that occur may be the sudden urge to lick yourself clean, purring constantly and rubbing against your best friend looking for pets.

Constantly eat food

With a hunk of pasta, meat or — my favorite — sushi in your mouth all the time, you won’t have the time or patience to say sorry. Any “sorry” you say, or other word for that matter, would come out as a garbled mess and no one will know what you’re saying.

By the end, patience will run thin with your constant string of messy metaphors and mime like instructions. Just don’t accidentally spit in someone’s face. They won’t thank you for that.

Establish a sorry count…then a swear jar

Start at number one and feel proud of yourself that you only have one sorry up there. Then watch as the sorry count grows steadily and steadily and steadily, until you reach 100. You’ll suddenly ask yourself, “What have I done with my life to get to this point?”

How could I forget, every time you say sorry, you accidentally let out a string of cuss words. If you thought college was expensive, now you’ll be hundreds of dollars in debt to your coworkers, friends or family because of that damned sorry jar.

Tape your mouth shut

Hello, you’ve reached method number five, and if you’re here, I don’t know what to tell you. Perhaps you’re doomed forever to keep saying sorry for things you have no control over and bumping into inanimate objects. At this point, just tape your mouth shut so you don’t have to hear yourself utter that single, cursed word ever again. It will help to avoid the sorry count, water sprays, punches and eating too much.

Seriously, if you have a sore sorry subject, then seek help. If you didn’t find this article helpful or humorous, sorry about that.