Satire: Who is Sam the Plant?

At Oakland University, only one question keeps students up at night: just who is Sam the Plant?

To those in the loop, Sam is the philodendron plant in the corner of the Oakland University Writing Center in Kresge Library, silently watching as students and consultants pass by all day.

“Yeah, I know Sam,” Amelie Bourne, OU William Beaumont School of Medicine (OUWB) student said. “I have been going to the Writing Center since I started at OU, and Sam has always been there. Like, it seems like he has been holding down his corner forever.”

Despite spending over 10 years with the Writing Center, Sam has shown an unparalleled level of selflessness.

“Sam books out whole days — which I guess means he can use the internet — and just comes to the writing center to help,” former consultant Solomon Tirrel said. “We once tried to pay him, but he just said he only wanted ‘water, warmth and wisdom.’ No, he did not actually speak, but you just feel that is what he was getting at. No, I am not insane, quit looking at me like that.”

The official story about how Sam came to the Writing Center states he was gifted by an OU trustee’s daughter, though former consultant Jankin Ellis tells a different tale.

“They will not tell you this, but Sam just walked up to that corner and planted himself down,” Ellis said. “Yeah, he planted himself down. Just walked in on his roots, found an empty pot and planted himself down. No, I am not ‘cracking puns.’”

However Sam made it to the center, he has been welcomed and embraced by the staff and consultants with open arms.

“I mean, I guess Sam is not too bad,” Ellis said. “Like, he is a plant. Plants are not really known for being mischievous troublemakers and stuff. And office plants like Sam? Just wonderful to be around, just because of how well behaved they are.”

According to Tirrel, the name Sam actually carries a hidden message.

“So, we call him ‘Sam the Plant,’ right,” he said. “And it is pretty clear upon looking at him that he is a plant. Like, he has leaves and stuff, he is a plant. But ‘Sam?’ That stands for ‘Students Achieving More’ — SAM.

“He does not seem to mind being called Sam,” Tirrel said, “but how could we know otherwise? Like, Sam the Plant is, well, a plant. Plants are not known for speaking out about things — what do you think the Lorax is around for?”

To those that have worked with Sam, he has become an urban legend of sorts.

“He wrote my whole dissertation on the endocrine system,” Bourne said. “I do not even know how a plant could do that, but Sam did. It was pretty awesome.”

Despite being easily accessible, Sam the Plant would not speak on the record to The Post to confirm the stories about him.

“……..,” Sam said.