SATIRE: Why dropping out may be the best option to end the year

It’s the end of the year, and you know what that means: it is the worst time of the year to be a student. Whether you’re at the end of your college road or just starting, there’s no denying it: this semester has sucked. The best way to deal with it isn’t to power through or to steel yourself for the remaining year.

The best way to deal with it is to drop out. Here’s why:

You can become your own boss
I was recently told about an exciting opportunity I figured I would share with you all as a little end of the year treat. Three days ago on my way home, a stranger in line with me at Subway started talking to me about a new business opportunity I could get in on.

Essentially, I could be my own boss, set my own hours and the best part is, I could work entirely from home if I wanted to. Being the smart entrepreneur I am, I jumped at the opportunity for the low price of $700 and the keys to my car.

Now I’m passing this tip onto you, the wise reader. All we need to succeed is two or three more people to sign on, and then if they get two or three more people each we’d really start to be in business. If anyone is interested, please call me as soon as possible; I may have invested this month’s rent money on this venture and need to make that money back ASAP.

You get more time to sleep while unemployed
This one is self-explanatory, and the benefits outweigh the unemployment by a mile. Not only would you be able to sleep in without having a job, but you would also be able to take naps in the middle of the day or basically whenever you want. Win-win, no downsides.

You get to skip not only exams, but everything
Don’t want to do those final exams? Got a final presentation that you are just dreading? Group project in shambles? There’s only one solution.

Drop out. Do it. You won’t, you’re scared.

Without classes or homework you can get more time to sleep
Did I already mention sleep? Because without the stress of college you would be able to get a better night’s sleep every night.

Old stress replaced by new stress
Speaking of stress, aren’t you tired of the stress that classes bring you? Between homework and papers, I can almost see the ulcers forming in different students around campus. These stressors have been weighing on students not just through college but for almost their entire lives as students.

The solution? Replace these stressors with new ones. Instead of worrying about classes, worry about how you are going to get a job. Instead of worrying about homework, worry about whether you’re wasting your life. Problem solved!

Did I already say sleep because oh my god
I am SO tired ALL the time.