Satire: Three ways to finish the semester strong


photo illustration by Prakhya Chilukuri

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

The winter semester is almost over, and we all need to get our act together. Winter sucks, and it makes our performance worse, no doubt about it. As someone who knows how to dig a hole and have to desperately climb out of it, here are my three tips to finish the semester strong and avoid disappointing your loved ones.

  1. Cut off all of your friends

One way to focus all of your attention on school and work is cutting everyone important out of your life. You have to tell them it’s not them, it’s you, and move on with your life. After you get your crap together, then you can hit them with the classic “jk lol” and be best friends again. After the third or fourth time though, it won’t work and they’ll actually get rid of you, so you want to be careful with how liberally you use this.

Another way to cut off your friends is to stop showering. This trick is especially effective if you are a male, because guys stink like no other. If you stop showering, they’ll practically cut themselves off for you. It’s genius. For added effect, rub some onions and raw beef on your body to give yourself a real pot roast type of scent.

  1. Get your Cookie on

You guys remember Cookie from Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide? Simon Nelson Cook? The OGest of all OGs? If you want to pass your classes and not do any work, buy some thick-rimmed glasses and put a little microchip on them. The work will practically do itself. All A’s in a second. Of course I am NOT condoning cheating at all, that’d be unethical. This isn’t cheating, this is using your resources to fix the data that is presented.

Please don’t sue me or kick me out for academic dishonesty. This is all I have.

  1. Cry to your teachers

Nothing is more pathetic than an adult sobbing at the feet of another adult. Get shameless with this one, grovel and beg your teacher for percentage points. If you’re persistent enough, they’ll give you good grades just to shut you up. Trust me, this method is extremely effective, especially if you can get some snot flowing from the nostrils. There’s nothing worse for a professor than a snotty, sniffly, teary-eyed college student at their feet, staining their dress shoes and getting snot on their khakis.

Think about something super sad, like an innocent animal dying or Oakland losing on a last-second 3-pointer in the Horizon League tournament. Let the tears flow as you think about Drew McDonald ending Oakland’s hope of dancing in March Madness, and give your teacher hell.

Well I hope these tips helped you out, maybe your parents won’t be disgusted with you like mine are with me.