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SATIRE: How to survive St. Patrick’s Day

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SATIRE: How to survive St. Patrick’s Day

photo illustration by Prakhya Chilukuri

photo illustration by Prakhya Chilukuri

photo illustration by Prakhya Chilukuri

Patrick Sullivan, Web Editor

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St. Patrick’s Day is one of the greatest creations that mankind has come up with in the 200,000 years we’ve been on this rock. It’s an excuse to let loose and get blackout drunk on a Sunday, which I usually do but this week I won’t get judged for it.

However, people go a little crazy when it comes to the Irish Holiday. Here are some tips if you want to make it out of the day alive and with only a handful of regretful, life-altering mistakes.

Wear Green

Obviously there’s a tradition of wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day in order to pretend that you’re Irish or a leprechaun or something. However, there is a hidden reason why wearing green is a go-to for St. Paddy’s celebrations.

Similar to a cross for a vampire or silver bullets for a werewolf, wearing green is a form of protection against drunk people during the feast of St. Patrick. While drunks and people that don’t respect personal space have free reign against everyone else, they would shrivel up instantly if you were wearing any hue of the Irish color.

Think of the scene from Indiana Jones where all of the Nazis are melting in front of the Ark. Replace the Ark with someone wearing green socks and it’s basically what happens.

Just out drink everyone else

In the years that I’ve studied St. Patrick’s Day behaviors, I’ve discovered there is always one person that consumes so much alcohol they essentially turn into a Super Saiyan God. This being is impervious to both physical damage and social norms during the time they are intoxicated.

I’ve lovingly labeled this phenomenon as the Alpha Alcoholic, and an easy way to get through St. Paddy’s is to just inhale as much liquor as possible to have this title be thrust onto you. An easy way to tell if you’ve reached this level or not is to either smash your head into a wall, or make a move on your best friend. If you don’t feel anything from either of those, congratulations, you made it!

Be named Patrick

There’s not a lot to protect you from the drunken masses when the Irish holiday is in full swing. If the last 22 years of my life have taught me anything though, it’s that being named Patrick is both a blessing and a curse. The advantage of my name is that whenever I say it at any point in the month of March, people say, “Oh, you must be so excited! That’s like your day, that’s crazy.” After that they just blab about how much they love St. Patrick’s Day and how they’re 6 percent Irish on their mom’s side.

While this was exciting for the first three months of being alive, after that it makes me want to Shamrock Shake the shit out of some people.

And that’s the best way to survive this weekend. Or you could just stay in and like, read a book I guess, you nerd.

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SATIRE: How to survive St. Patrick’s Day