“Spring Break” causes national waves, promotes climate change awareness


photo illustration by Prakhya Chilukuri

Michael Pearce, Sports Editor

A recent study has shown that sadness is at an all time high at Oakland University. It is mainly due to the ridiculous timing of students’ “spring break,” which takes place dead in the middle of February.

Many Oakland students are frustrated because on their “spring break” they either are forced to work or just sit around doing nothing. Every other college in the world is not on spring break when Oakland students are, and it takes its toll on the body.

“My extreme lack of spring break has started to make my hair fall out,” senior Donny Torpedo said. “I’m only 22, but I legitimately look like a father of three. Meanwhile this week all of my friends are partying at Daytona Beach.”

It remains a mystery why Oakland still has kept this unconventional spring break time, as every other university in the state of Michigan has the sense to put their spring breaks in a month that could potentially be spring-like. The Oakland Post has reached out to Inspector Gadget, Sherlock Holmes and Scooby Doo for help, but none have responded to our many emails.

We were, however, able to obtain an exclusive interview with Bill Nye, a good friend of the newspaper. He believes the early spring break is a genius idea.

“Honestly Oakland is onto something here,” Nye said. “With climate change further destroying the earth year after year, eventually spring will begin in February. With no ozone layer, the world will consistently get hotter and hotter, which is going to make February feel like April. Fantastic move by Oakland to adapt to the environment’s collapse.”

Nye also theorized Oakland might be doing this in an effort to shine light on climate change, a real progressive move to use their spring break as a way to wake up America. Reports from the White House have said that President Donald Trump has taken notice of this phenomenon and has considered a bill that will help prevent climate change.

“This is huge,” Trump said. “Before this I had no idea that the climate could change, especially not for the whole world. There are billions and billions and billions and billions of cars out there, going bing bong bing bong, and just destroying the ozone layer. It must be stopped. I’m just glad I am the president to do something about it.”

Thanks to Oakland, there are many people now aware of this climate change. Even though the students are suffering watching every other conceivable college go on spring break in exotic places and enjoying themselves, they can take solace in the fact that their university is making strides to better the Earth, while the other college students just get MIPs and crappy tattoos.

“Honestly we just schedule it at the halfway point of the year,” said Chief Scheduler of Oakland University Grizz Lee.