Satire: Why my break was better than yours

“Spring break” was last week, and everyone had the chance to unwind from the semester that just keeps getting better and better.

Now that everyone is back on campus, there is one important question that everyone has been asking is “What did you do over break?”

During my time reporting and learning about the students here at Oakland University, there is one basic fact I have learned: the fact that I am better than everyone else here.¹ Naturally, that means that all of you want to know what I did over my break.

Being the gracious god I have become, I am going to grace you all with what I did during my week off, and the reasons why my break was better than yours.

Saved money by staying in Michigan
If you stayed in Michigan during the break and didn’t go to any exotic locations like Mexico, the Bahamas or Idaho, you shouldn’t feel bad. Not only is staying home the right choice economically, but you get to stay in a comfortable, familiar place while you cry yourself to sleep.

Put in that work
The idea of actually taking a week and doing nothing was appalling to me, especially because I’ve done that all semester and the work that’s piled up is threatening to drown me and everyone I know. The break was a good opportunity to sit down and actually deal with my problems for once.

Everyday there was work to be done, and after all of that time spent I can happily say that I got maybe a quarter, maybe half of what I needed to get done finished.

Time well spent.

I think I went to Meijer one day?
After reading those first two, I know there’s no way to top the excitement I’ve already regaled you with about my adventures over break. It’s a lot to unpack, but get ready because I’m about to hit you with another doozy.

I’m pretty sure around Tuesday or Wednesday, I went to my hometown’s local Meijer. In the blur of excitement that is my life, I can’t be 100 percent sure whether I actually went or if I’m just remembering another time I did go to Meijer.

But rest assured, if I did go, it was a wild time.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “This guy didn’t go anywhere over break, and all he did was stay home and do work? That has got to be the coolest thing I’ve ever heard of.”

To that I have to say: yes. It is cool. You’re welcome.

¹Citation needed.